A Fine Line
by Darkest Desire
Summary: There is a fine line between dreams and reality, coincidence and fate, character building and soul destroying, love and hate. Seifer’s always had trouble with lines. Regaining memories in Time Compression, he begins to understand why. Seifer/Squall SLASH
1. Is All Our Life, Then but a Dream

**Summary:** There is a fine line between dreams and reality, between coincidence and fate, between character building and soul destroying, between love and hate. Seifer's life is defined by fine lines. As he passes from memory to memory through the insanity of Time Compression, maybe he'll come a little closer to understanding why. Eventual Seifer/Squall. SLASH

**Author's Notes:** This first section will be three parts long and deals with some of the memories that Seifer encounters during Time Compression. The poem listed below is applicable to the first three chapters dealing with Time Compression and is what the chapter titles are based on. (A/N cont. at end)

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Is all our Life, then but a dream  
Seen faintly in the goldern gleam  
Athwart Time's dark resistless stream?

~Lewis Carroll, _Sylvie and Bruno, 1889~ _

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**CHAPTER ONE: IS ALL OUR LIFE, THEN BUT A DREAM**

Pain was the first thing that Seifer managed to register as he drifted into consciousness. From the aches and throbs radiating throughout his body he figured he must have survived a Hyne damned avalanche or something equally as destructive. Willing himself to suffer into a sitting position, growing dizzy at the sudden movement, Seifer finally opened his eyes.

If he hadn't lived through the bizarre hell of being Ultimecia's minion for the past few months, he might have been surprised to find himself in a hallway of mirrors, reflecting his own image as far as the eye could see, converging at a horizon point somewhere far off in the distance. As it was, he was simply pissed off, fucking angry as all hell to be exact, and not in the mood to play whatever game was in store for him now. He'd had enough of games, of _her_ damned games, to last him a lifetime. Despite his anger, he managed to find some consolation in the fact that at least he wasn't dead…yet.

Sitting up with a groan, he squinted against the bright lights that lit up the mirrored hall that extended endlessly on either side of him. Bare bulbs hung down from the middle of the ceiling every few feet in a row that seemed to run the hallway's entire length of…infinity? It sure seemed that way…He felt the glaring fluorescent lighting adding to his already throbbing headache and increasing his angry annoyance at the situation. Slowly making his way to his feet, grimacing through the pain, he glanced warily to his left and then to his right, wondering which way to start walking. He seriously doubting that it would make a bloody bit of difference. Deciding on a whim, he headed right, with a muttered, "Why the fuck not?"

It was slow going since he still felt like he'd been dropped here by a hurricane. He had the sensation that he was walking on a treadmill and making absolutely n progress whatsoever because of the distinct lack of a change in scenery. He felt like he had been walking for days on end, constantly moving forward and yet getting abso-fucking-lutely nowhere. Was there even an end to this abysmal, infernal hall? Or was it all connected, running in an endless, monotonous, inescapable circle? The endless lights and mirrors reflecting his ceaseless, tediously slow trod forward with no end in sight were wearing down his already tenuous hold on sanity.

He could feel eyes on him, watching him, staring at him, pointing and laughing at his futile attempt to leave this fucking hellhole. Was this another one of Ultimecia's tricks? One of her numerous methods for wearing down his mind? For keeping him unstable enough for her to continue to possess him? Though he had seen her fall at the hands of Leonhart and his merry little band of followers, he could think of no other explanation for this tedious prison.

"Why are you punishing me!?!?" he screamed desperately, letting rage wash over him, trying to keep his panicked, frenzied thoughts from overtaking him. "What do you _want_!?!?" His voice echoed tauntingly around him as the mirrored images of himself reflected his own haunted face a thousand times over. Turning toward the mirror, he sneered at his own reflection. "What the hell are _you_ looking at?!" he snapped. His own angry visage staring back at him was his only answer.

He laughed madly, the hollow, broken sound of it grating on his nerves. Falling to his knees, he continued to laugh, his reflections joining him in his crazed expression of his pent up frustration, anguish, hopelessness, despair, and vestiges of anger. He laughed until it hurt, almost believing that the mirrored image echoing him was a separate entity that could commiserate with his desperate plight. Was this his punishment for joining the Sorceress, for turning against everyone, for trying to destroy everything he had once held dear? There was absolutely nothing funny about this, yet the image in front of him continued to laugh, to mock him in his fall from grace, in his cursed and helpless state.

"What are you laughing at?!?!" he screamed furiously at the mirror. He realized in some distant, suppressed part of his mind that he had finally lost it, finally cracked, that he was yelling at himself, but it didn't register. The reflected image continued to laugh, the sound of it echoing maddeningly in his ears. "Stop it!!!" he cried angrily, desperately. The image refused to listen. He pressed the palms of his hands over his ears until it felt as if he would crush his own skull with the pressure and squeezed his eyes shut, but the laughter continued to ring hollowly in his head and the image of his own laughing form seemed to be burned into his retinas. "STOP IT!!!!!!" he roared, the furious sound yell barely audible over the resounding laughter. His own image continued to taunt him.

He resorted to his typical fallback mechanisms: anger and violence. Launching himself at the mirror, he let his fists fly. He had to make it _stop_! He pounded at his own laughing face until he finally felt the mirror crack beneath his angry fists with a satisfying crunch. His face was cracked, shattered into a hundred pieces, reflecting oddly back at him. _You've cracked, you've cracked, you've cracked_…his mind supplied, repeating the sentiment over and over as the laughter continued to haunt him. The words were repeated in his head by familiar voices, the voices of those he had fought against, as they repeated them in unison, their tones shifting from accusing to singsong and making his head spin.

He continued to beat on the cracked face in front of him as if shattering the image of himself could make them stop. Finally, the mirror gave way under his assault. He watched, mesmerized, as it shattered into a million pieces, the voices thankfully stopping with its destruction. The law of gravity seemed to be suspended as the glittering particles merely hung motionless in the air, a curtain of snow-like fragments obscuring whatever lay beyond.

Wonderingly, almost hesitantly, he reached toward the splintered pieces, hardly daring to hope for something besides this endless hall of mirrors and shattered images of himself. His hand brushed against the fragmented screen, which felt almost slippery beneath his touch. Slowly, gently, he pushed his fingers between the pieces. Swiping his hand sideways, he watched in awe as the shattered remnants of the mirror parted like a curtain and he was able to glimpse a darkened, grassy field spread out on the other side. Raising his other hand and opening the glittering curtain fully, he was slightly startled as the suspended pieces at last began to fall, drifting slowly to the ground like glittering snowflakes.

Stepping over the barrier and into the field, Seifer felt relief flood him, driving back the madness of only minutes before. The contrast between the moonlit field of grass and flowers before him and the fluorescent bulbs and linoleum tiled, mirrored hall behind him was almost overwhelming. He hoped that he was free from whatever twisted game and mind torture the hallway had been…but the feeling in his gut told him that had only been the beginning.

Despite his trepidation, it felt good to be outside, out in the open where he could breathe in the fresh air and be free from the monotony that had driven him to madness. Having nothing better to do, he walked forward, the softness of the grass beneath his tired feet a relief after the harsh linoleum he had left behind. Continuing forward, guided by the moonlight, he could make out a building in the distance. With any luck, he could find refuge there, though he wondered if there was anywhere in all of Gaia that he would still be welcomed. Perhaps in some of the remote villages they had not heard tale of the atrocities he had committed or at the very least had no idea what he looked like.

As he got closer and was able to get better view of the building ahead, he was startled to find that he recognized it. It was the orphanage, Edea's Orphanage, the place where he had essentially been raised alongside Squall and the rest of his motley crew, aside from Rinoa. Why was he here of all places? He only had a vague memory of the place, one that Edea had drawn out to seduce him to join her, using his image of Matron, all those long months ago in the T.V. station in Timber where it had all begun. He knew this place, as he knew that Edea was Matron and that Squall, Quistis, Zell, Selphie, and Irvine had been here for a time too, but beyond that there were no specific details, no real memories of the place. He had wondered from time to time during the war, during his more lucid moments, what it had been like to grow up here with the others.

When he reached the front door, he hesitated, a sense of anticipation filling him. What could he hope to find here? Would it bring back any memories from the blank void that was his childhood, answer any of the many questions that he had? He opened the door slowly, the heavy wood creaking slightly on its hinges. Stepping inside, he was hit with a sense of familiarity about the place, almost like déjà vu, though he knew for a fact that he had been here before. He wondered if anyone was here. Looking around, he noted that the house seemed lived in, if the furniture and other items scattered about the house were anything to go by.

Coming to a closed door, he opened it, letting his curiosity get the better of him. There were three sets bunk beds lining the walls of what was, apparently a bedroom, though only two of those sets seemed to be filled with small, sleeping bodies. Unable to stop himself, Seifer walked farther into the room, to inspect closer. Peering at the face of a small brunette girl laying on top of the closest bunk, he was shocked to recognize, almost reflexively, what appeared to be a seven-year-old Selphie. Examining the bunk below her he found a similar aged Irvine.

What the hell?! His mind reeled with shock. Although slightly surprised that he had immediately recognized the two sleeping children, the fact that they were _children_ was the big kicker. What was this? Another game? It seemed like an odd, atypical trick for Ultimecia to play, though he wouldn't rule anything out. What else could it be? Could he have somehow ended up in the wrong time? Ultemicia's castle had been in the future, maybe when she was destroyed the space-time continuum was distorted and deposited him back in the right place, but the wrong time…? Or maybe she had actually managed Time Compression…

That was a sobering thought. He had never really been clear on what she had aimed to achieve by compressing time, but it _had_ been her ultimate goal. If she had managed to achieve it, then what did that mean for _him_? Would he be stuck here, in this time, for the rest of his life? Would he be able to make it back to his own time? If he _did_ happen to make it back, would time still move forward like normal, or would it be forever distorted?

Even if his suspicions were correct and he _was_ in the wrong time, would he _want_ to make it back to his own time? If Squall and his gang had truly managed to defeat Ultimecia, then what would there be for him if he returned? He would likely be sentenced to death, spending the rest of his sorry life locked up in D-District awaiting his end. He could try to convince them that he had been manipulated, that his mind had been warped and controlled, though he would hate to admit to such a weakness, but he doubted they would listen to him, or believe him if they did. And what would it matter? _Someone_ would have to pay; _someone _would have to be held responsible. And, despite how things had turned out, he could not deny the fact that he had at first gone willingly, enticed by what Edea had offered him.

Edea…his Matron. _All_ of their Matron, though he seemed to have been the only one cognizant of that fact up until about halfway through the war. He wasn't really sure when the rest of the gang had figured it out, or how they had done so, though he supposed it didn't really matter. Looking at Selphie and Irvine's young, sleeping, innocent faces, he wondered how things had ended up so terribly messed up…but there was no use pondering that now.

Sighing, he turned to scrutinize the rest of the room, noting that two of the beds didn't seem to have been used recently, while the farthest set, upon closer inspection, had only been made to look as if there were sleeping children in them. Moving closer, Seifer found a brown haired doll with a lumpy blanket forming the 'body' of the decoy, with a similar set up on the bunk below, but with a blond doll. It was pretty easy to deduce that these were stand-ins for him and Squall. The empty beds must have been Quistis and Zell's before the two got adopted.

The thought of him and Squall being rule breakers, even at such a tender age, brought a slight smile to his face, probably his first _real_ smile since before the war…Pushing that depressing thought aside, he wondered where he and Squall would have snuck off to in the middle of the night. He doubted that he would have tried running away, though for some reason he could see Squall attempting such a thing. If they had been a little older, he would have guessed that they were out sparring. As it was, he had no idea, aside from the obvious assumption that he wouldn't find them within the house.

Making his way out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him, he walked through the family room, casting cursory glances at the scattered toys, and went out the back door. He crossed the stone patio and walked down the steps that led toward the beach not far away. Nearing the beach, he found the ocean to be peaceful, waves gently lapping at the shore. It was quiet and peaceful, no children present. Where else would they have gone? Where else would he have gone?

The rotating light from the lighthouse farther down caught his eye. That would be the next spot he would look. As he trudged toward the lighthouse, he pondered what he hoped to find, what he hoped to accomplish with this self appointed task of discovering his younger self? Some sort of insight into his past, insight into himself perhaps? What would happen if he met his younger self? Would it create a paradox? Would he fuck everything up, as he was so apt to do? He highly doubted that his ten year younger self would recognize him…

Deciding to plow ahead without questioning things any further, something he was decidedly good at, he made his way to the lighthouse and, after finding the first floor empty, started up the ten storied spiraling staircase leading to the very top, dearly hoping that his assumptions were correct and he was not making a wasted trip. The long upward trek left him winded and slightly dizzy after the trials of the night. He hesitantly walked up the last few steps leading to the lightbox, bypassing a door leading out to the lower tiered balcony surrounding the lighthouse.

He was somewhat dismayed to find the lightbox empty before he spotted his younger self and Squall through the glass, sitting on the upper balcony with their backs leaning against the glass as they peered out toward the ocean. Heading back down to the door he had passed on his way up to the very top, he went out to the lower balcony, quietly making his way to a spot below where the boys were sitting, careful not to be spotted as he positioned himself so that he could hear what he and Squall were saying.

"I wonder if there are a lot of people who use the gunblade…" his eight-year-old self pondered aloud. "Of course, I'm going to use the gunblade. I'm gonna be just like Sir Knight in the movie! I'll be the best gunblader in all of Balamb Garden—hell, in all the world!" the young Seifer declared exuberantly. "You'll have to use the gunblade, too, so that we can train together," he added, addressing Squall. "Together we'll be the best gunbladers in history! We'll be just like Aéngus the Brave from The Legend of Vascaroon, just like we've always dreamed about."

"Yeah," Squall answered forlornly.

Seifer found his lack of enthusiasm irritating. "What's wrong with you?" the young boy demanded.

There was a long silence before a quiet, barely audible answer came. "You're going to leave and forget all about me…" Squall voiced his concern dejectedly, sounding resigned to this fate.

"Squall…I'm not leaving you, not like _she _did anyway. You'll be joining me next year," Seifer answered firmly, not leaving any room for argument.

"Yeah, I know," was Squall's unconvinced reply.

"I'm just going on ahead, you know, scouting things out. I'll tell you everything that I find out, everything I learn next year, so you'll be way ahead of everyone else. That way, when we're able to start with the gunblades you'll know all the stuff I know, so we can practice together," Seifer informed the brunette resolutely.

"Whatever."

"It's not like I have a choice. I mean, I tried to talk Matron into letting you come too, I even told her that I would wait an extra year, but, of course, she said no," Seifer confided to his despondent partner.

"Really?" Squall seemed genuinely surprised at this. He sounded almost hopeful, the first positive emotion he had displayed thusfar.

"You think I'd just leave you behind without a fight, Squally? I mean, who else am I going to practice with or save from evil dragons?" he questioned.

"I'm sure you'll have tons of people to fight with at Garden. And there will be _real_ monsters to fight there," Squall objected, unconvinced.

"Yeah, but I doubt that there's going to be anyone else actually _worth_ training with and monsters won't help me learn how to use a gunblade right," Seifer countered.

"What if by the time I get there you've forgotten all about me," Squall continued to protest.

"How could I ever forget an annoying little brat like you?" he teased back.

"What if Matron won't let me go to Garden next year?" Squall challenged, undeterred.

"I'll find you and bring you myself, then," Seifer announced as if it should be obvious.

Squall finally relented. "I'll be here…" the brunette announced seriously, at last convinced that the older boy was sincere.

"Why…?" Seifer pressed, questioningly.

"I'll be 'waiting'…here…" Squall amended.

"For what?"

"I'll be waiting…for you…so…If you come here…You'll find me," he added. Seifer seemed appeased by this statement at last.

"I promise," the blonde vowed seriously and with conviction.

Deciding that he had heard enough, having enough to mull over with this revealing conversation, Seifer quietly made his way back inside and started down the winding staircase, lost in thought. A sudden gust of wind, blowing with abnormal strength through the still open door, hit him with the force of Pandemona's attack. Unprepared for the assault, he was sent hurtling headlong over the stair rail and through the shaft of air that plunged ten stories down formed by the staircase spiraling its way around it.

As the ground approached, quicker than he liked, only one thought flashed through Seifer's mind. _Really? This is it? _This_ is how I die?! How _pathetic_…_

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**Author's Notes:** Okay, so I hope you liked the exciting first installment…I have a lot of other stories that I should be working on, some of which I have been revisiting and am in the process of writing new chapters for, but this idea just stuck with me and wouldn't leave me alone. I have the first three chapters, where Seifer is stuck in Time Compression all planned out in a bare bones sort of format, so I know exactly what is going to happen and just need to fill in and embellish it. After the first three chapters I'm not so certain, when I get there, I'll have to make a decision on whether I want to end this story there and then write a sequel or continue. Keep that in mind so you can voice your opinion when the time comes.

For those who didn't notice, the ending of Squall and Seifer's conversation are the lines from the beginning of the FFVIII game (though I'm sure you all knew that).

Please let me know if there are any typos or if anything seems incorrect or anything like that. I do not have a beta for this as of yet (any volunteers?) and I am too tired to read through the whole thing again at the moment (though I'll probably do so later).

Expect the next installment to be out in about a week or so. And please let me know what you think so far!


	2. Seen Faintly in the Goldern Gleam

**Summary:** There is a fine line between dreams and reality, between coincidence and fate, between character building and soul destroying, between love and hate. Seifer's life is defined by fine lines. As he passes from memory to memory through the insanity of Time Compression, maybe he'll come a little closer to understanding why. Eventual Seifer/Squall. SLASH

**Author's Notes:** *** If you have read any of my other fics which have been put on hold and would like to see me continue work on one of them, please **go onto my profile and vote on my poll** for which fic I should continue.***

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_As the ground approached, quicker than he liked, only one thought flashed through Seifer's mind. Really? This is it? This is how I die?! How pathetic…_

**CHAPTER TWO: SEEN FAINTLY IN THE GOLDERN GLEAM**

Closing his eyes instinctually at the moment when death seemed immanent, Seifer was surprised to feel himself landing not on the hard cement floor, but onto something that absorbed his impact. He wouldn't exactly call it soft, but…he wasn't dead. He wasn't sure what to think about that or how to feel. He was shocked and maybe a little relieved, though not nearly as much as he probably should have been. He wasn't sure if that should worry him or not.

Opening his eyes, he looked up into the dusky sky above him. Trying to sit up, he realized he had landed in a rather large palm frond. It was a bit of a struggle to extract himself from it, but eventually he managed. Standing up he brushed himself off, though he wasn't sure why he even bothered considering the sorry state of his signature outfit, especially his frayed and filthy trench coat. Looking around, he was perhaps a little surprised to find himself in the Training Center of Balamb Garden. Was this real, or merely another memory?

Not really sure what else to do, Seifer headed toward the exit that would take him back into the hallway that would lead him to Balamb's hub. If this was real and he was back in his own time, what welcome could he expect from his old stomping ground? Probably not a very friendly one to say the least…

His thoughts were interrupted as a sudden angry roar tore through the Training Center. He would recognize that sound anywhere; it was a T-Rexaur, and a fucking pissed off one at that. And it was close by. Not really feeling in the mood to fight at the moment, Seifer decided to mind his own business and kept a wary eye out as he continued to the exit. Too bad the damn thing was blocking his way out.

Coming to the edge of a small clearing, he was able to get a good look at the T-Rex. Although vicious and able to withstand a fair amount of damage, the beasts weren't really all that hard to avoid in the woods and could easily be avoided with a simple spell. It appeared that some unfortunate student, however, was either too inexperienced to know that or simply was not equipped to deal with a threat like this and had been caught in a clearing by the T-Rex. Seeing brown hair and a gunblade, Seifer had no doubt just who the student was.

Though surprised that Squall would let himself get caught in such a situation, he had no doubt that it was his rival who now stood trapped. That must mean that this was a memory, because the Squall that had fought Ultimecia and the rest of the things he had faced in the war would no doubt have little trouble dispatching a T-Rexaur single handedly and would have no shortage of spells to cast. Even realizing that he was in another memory, he couldn't simply stand idly by. It was apparent that this Squall was outmatched.

Cursing his luck, Seifer charged through the brush, wielding Hyperion. Charging the beast in a surprise attack, he swung with all his might at its unprotected stomach. Instead of delivering a fatal blow to the beast, though, his blade swung clear through it as if there was nothing there. The shock and the unexpected loss of balance nearly sent Seifer toppling to the ground. It was only his well-honed muscle memory formed through years of practice that kept him upright. _What the hell?_

Raising his blade and striking again, he found that it slipped straight though once more. Was he a ghost? That would mean he was dead…Had the fall killed him after all? Or was this all simply part of witnessing the memories? He could look, but couldn't touch…Stepping back a few paces, he resigned himself to watching as the younger Squall took on the T-Rex. If it was a memory, then he would just have to trust the fact that Squall got out of this battle intact and ready to face the trials that awaited him.

Looking closer at his rival, he realized that Squall did indeed look a little bit younger than he last remembered him and maybe a little scrawnier. There was also the notable absence of the scar Seifer himself had given the boy the morning of their field exam. Absently, Seifer reached up to trace a finger along the matching scar Squall had inflicted on him. They had marked each other as equals on that day, as two faces of the same coin. It was one of the memories he had that never seemed to fade, jumping to the forefront of his mind each time he looked in a mirror.

He watched as Squall cast Shiva, the ice queen raining a deadly attack of frozen shards down on the beast. Although wounded, the T-Rex was nowhere near finished and seemed to get angrier at the assault. Squall managed to slash at the monster, catching its nose as it came in to take a bite. Roaring in hurt and rage, the beast swiped its tail in retaliation. Squall barely managed to roll out of the way in time. He summoned Shiva again, another icy attack pelting the monster with deadly accuracy. This time, though, it took a moment for Squall to get his bearings back as Shiva faded away and the T-Rex, either by luck or design, was able to use the momentary disorientation to land a devastating blow with its tail. It sent Squall's prone figure flying through the air only to land with a sickening crunch against a tree trunk, where he slid, unconscious to the ground.

Beginning to wonder how the hell Squall had survived this and wondering why he was witnessing this memory in the first place, Seifer found the answer as it came charging out past him to meet the T-Rexaur head on. It was him, a little bit younger, perhaps by a year or so, but still him. He was watching himself fight, and it was impressive, if he did say so himself…which he often had.

It was odd to watch. With his eight-year-old self he had still felt somewhat detached, though he had known it was himself that he had been watching. Now, though, he looked so much like he currently did—grey trench coat, Hyperion in hand, slicked back blond hair—that it was somewhat disconcerting. He watched himself cast a blind on the monster before going to town on it, delivering devastating blow after devastating blow, his limit break going into effect. He made rather quick work of it, delivering a fatal blow through its heart as the beast roared and stumbled around in confusion. Life draining out of it, the monster stumbled a bit before falling heavily, causing the ground to shake, as it gasped its last breath.

Seifer followed as his younger self moved away from the T-Rexaur and toward the motionless Squall. The memory Seifer knelt down in front of the brunette, carefully checking him for wounds and casting a scan to check his vitals. He winced when he took a look at the back of Squall's head. He cast a cure to take care of some of the damage before slapping Squall awake. Coming to, the brunette seemed annoyed as he dazedly attempted to push Seifer's hand away. "Stobbett…" he mumbled, the words slurred.

"No, I'm not going to 'stop it,' not until you get up so I can take you to the hospital wing," Seifer announced to his counterpart forcefully. "Shit, Squall! What in Hyne's name were you thinking?! That thing could have killed you! I told you not to come in here without me!"

Squall merely coughed raggedly as he sent Seifer a weary glance.

"Fuck. Don't think you're getting off that easy!" Seifer declared in annoyance. "I would knock some sense into you if you didn't likely already have a concussion." Sheathing Hyperion, Seifer bent down to pick up Squall's revolver. Hauling Squall to his feet, he handed the gunblade to Squall. "Here, take this." As soon as Squall had hooked the weapon back into its place by his side, Seifer hastily bent down, swooping one arm behind Squall's knees while the other went under his shoulders as he lifted the lighter boy into his arms.

"What da hell you doin'?" Squall questioned in protest, his speech still slurred.

Seifer merely raised an eyebrow. "I'm taking you to the infirmary," he spoke as if it should be obvious.

Squall was fidgeting in his arms, apparently trying to get loose, though the effort was somewhat feeble. "I can walk," he managed to get out, though it was weak.

"No way. Think of this as part of your punishment," Seifer pronounced. "You'd better hope no one's in the halls this late. Though I'm sure your reaction would be priceless, I'm not about to let my reputation get ruined by something like this; I'll drop you first!" he declared, sounding only half serious.

"Whatever." Typical Squall.

"Well, that's more like it," the blond noted, chuckling. He seemed to be glad that Squall had stopped protesting as he proceeded to carry the smaller brunette through the training center toward the exit. They were lucky that the monsters seemed to be content to leave them alone.

Seifer had watched the exchange with mixed emotions. He wondered how things had gone from the memory before him to him and Squall trying to kill each other in battle less than two years later. Following himself through the training center, lost in thought, he hardly noticed when they reached the exit. He watched as the doors shut mechanically behind the two in front of him. If he wasn't really here would he even be able to follow, or would he be stuck in here until someone else came along?

Stepping up to the doors, he prayed that he would be able to leave. Whether by Hyne's grace or some warped rules of Time Compression, the motion sensors and face recognition software seemed to detect his presence, as the doors whooshed open. The scene they opened up to, though, was not what he had been expecting, though by now he supposed he really shouldn't be that surprised.

He was in the orphanage again, in the living room to be precise. Matron was sitting on a loveseat as a blond woman sat on the couch across from her with a young blond boy at her side. Analyzing the boy, he realized that it was himself at about age three. He didn't know who the woman was, but she looked enough like him that she could have been his mother. His throat constricted at the thought. He quickly pushed the thought away by concentrating on what the blond woman was saying.

"I don't know where else to take him, Edea. I would take him with me, but they will be looking for me and it wouldn't be safe. They killed his mother in front of him, poor thing, along with my husband, and I'm sure his father is dead as well. They will be coming after me next and they will no doubt be looking for Seifer…" the woman spoke anxiously, her slightly accented voice stressed and hurried. She paused as she reached into the folds of her cloak, searching for something. Seifer took the moment to process the fact that his parents were both dead and this woman, therefore, was not his mother. He wondered who exactly she was and why she had him.

Withdrawing an envelope, the blond handed it to Edea, who looked at it questioningly. "I will come back for him if I can, but if I don't please give this to him when he is old enough. I will leave it to your discretion as to when that is. You should read it as well; it will explain some things that I simply do not have the time to. There is a note from his father, General Aaric Reginar, that he wrote before…before he left. There is also a note in there that Cacilia, his mother, left me; she wished for you to read it as well. It should explain everything you need to know." With that the woman rose from the couch, sending a worried and wistful look in the young Seifer's direction. "I must go now. Hyne willing I will return before the year's end. Thank you again, Edea, I do not know how I can ever repay your kindness." With that the woman nodded to Edea, before turning to the three year old Seifer and gave him a kiss on the forehead in parting, whispering a farewell in his ear. Edea stood to walk her to the door.

Before the blond could leave, Edea questioned, "What should we call him? I assume the name Reginar is no longer safe to use."

The blond turned sharply, a small frown furrowing her brow. She seemed to have forgotten about that small detail. Glancing to the boy still sitting quietly on the couch where they had left him, she seemed to ponder the question for a moment before hesitantly answering. "Call him…Seifer Almasy. He was named after his great-grandfather; it is only fitting that he take on his last name as well. The choker he is wearing was his great-grandfather's; his name is engraved on the inside…Aaric passed it on to Seifer before he left to face Adel. I think it is the name he would have wanted him to have…" She continued to gaze sadly at the small boy for a moment before seeming to snap out of her daze. She sent a sad smile to Edea. "Please take good care of my nephew for me," she implored.

"He is in safe hands with me," Edea assured the woman gently. "And Delmira, do take care of yourself and may Hyne watch over you." Edea gazed seriously into the woman's, Delmira's, eyes as she clasped a hand warmly on her shoulder. Delmira merely nodded seriously, and with one last glance at her nephew she was gone.

Edea stood with the door wide open for a moment, seeing Delmira off. As Seifer walked up to the doorway to follow her gaze he noticed that the scene outside was not what he was expecting. Instead of the front yard of the orphanage, the door opened onto one of the classrooms in Balamb Garden. Taking this as his cue to leave, Seifer brushed past Matron, casting his gaze one last time at his three-year-old self before moving on to the next memory.

He didn't think he was quite ready to take in any more memories. He was just glad that for the moment the classroom was quite, giving him a chance to try to process the past few minutes. That woman—Delmira—was his aunt, and the fact that she had never returned for him…he could only assume it meant that she too was dead. And the notes from his father and mother… had Matron never said anything? Why had she kept this from him? Then again, perhaps she hadn't kept it…Could she have given them to him, could he have read them and have forgotten that too? He would have to look through his things and ask Matron about it if he ever got the chance…

He tried to force the thought of his parents out of his mind, figuring that he would deal with the confusing thoughts and emotions when, _if_ he ever got out of this Hyne be damned time warp. He purposefully focused his attention on the scene before him.

His twelve-year-old self lounged in one of the chairs in the classroom looking bored. The instructor (Instructor Aki, if memory served) glared, but before he could chastise Seifer for his behavior, the bell signaling the end of class rang and the group of students sprang out of their seats and into the hallway.

Seifer followed his younger self, smirking slightly as he noticed that even at twelve he'd had a cocky stride and stood at least a head taller than almost all of the other students. What appeared to be a twelve-year-old Quistis trailed him out of the classroom. From a classroom across the hall an eleven-year-old Squall exited.

"So, Squally, you up for a spar after classes get out? If you get my lunch for me I might even be feeling generous enough to let you use some of my magic. That way when I beat you you'll know I didn't have any 'unfair' advantages," the younger Seifer spoke somewhat mockingly, smirking at the younger brunette. Squall merely sent him a glare in reply.

"He's not allowed to use magic until next year. It's against Garden policy, we just went over it two weeks ago," Quistis butted in. Seifer was amused to note that she had always been an annoying little know-it-all.

"Well, screw Garden policy. And mind your own business, Trepe," Seifer bit out to the blond girl, trying to force her out of the conversation that was supposed to be between him and Squall.

"It is my business. Under Garden Code section A Line 53 it states that if any Garden member hears of any illegal conduct taking place within Garden they are obligated to report it to the Disciplinary Committee or to a Garden Faculty Member. And besides, I'm sure Squall wants nothing to do with your rule-breaking," she announced confidently, head held high as she gave Seifer a defiant look.

"Pfft. Go ahead and report me, though you can't prove anything. And you'd get Squall in trouble too. What do you know anyway? Squall's free to make his own choices," Seifer declared, though it was apparent in the way he said it that Squall's 'own choices' were whatever Seifer decided they were.

"Fine. Squall, you don't want to be a part of any of Seifer's schemes now do you?" Quistis demanded of Squall himself, clearly expecting Squall to side with her and against Seifer.

"Whatever," was the brunette's noncommittal response. He seemed determined to stay neutral and be as far removed from their argument as possible.

"See, what'd I tell ya? Squall here'd much rather actually have some fun," Seifer declared happily, purposefully interpreting Squall's response in the way that suited him best.

"_Whatever_ isn't agreement, Seifer. Just because he gets dragged along into all your little plots doesn't mean he _wants_ to be!" Quistis argued back logically.

"You're just jealous that he doesn't hang on your every word like all your other little groupies," Seifer retorted, smirking.

"You're impossible!" Quistis shouted heatedly before storming off.

Now Quistis free, Seifer and Squall continued to the stairs, which was the quicker route as everyone else clamored to the elevators.

"Raijin and Fujin should already be saving a table for us. Just make sure your little roomie doesn't try and tag along again. I don't need to be seen hangin' around a little chickenwuss like him," Seifer reminded, chuckling.

Squall rolled his eyes, though a slight smirk played at his lips. He pulled the door to the stairs open as he reached it. Seifer grabbed it and held it open, allowing Squall to walk through first before following him.

Seifer watched the exchange between the two, the oddity of this whole experience hitting him once more. It was strange to witness his own 'memories,' especially when he didn't actually _remember_ them. Damn GFs.

Following the other two through the door leading to the stairway, he opened the door, this time fully expecting and prepared for it to open to an entirely different scene with a different memory version of himself. Still, it was strange to open the door to the stairwell and find himself stepping out into the 'Secret Area.' He had always thought it was funny that everyone called it that. It wasn't really much of a secret…

He looked to be about sixteen now, his trademark outfit complete with trench coat on. Seifer felt like he was having an out of body experience watching himself, looking so similar to how he currently looked and how he was currently dressed. Shaking the feeling off, he tried to place what this memory was. The sixteen-year-old Seifer was drinking straight from a fifth of whiskey, the bottle almost empty now. His head was hung as he clung to the railing of the small balcony, his hair disheveled as if he had run his hands through it in frustration more than a few times. Hyne, he was a mess. Seifer wasn't really sure what the memory was supposed to be of, but he was obviously upset and trying to drink his problems away. It didn't appear to be working if the angry frown on his younger counterpart's face was anything to go by.

He was interrupted from his scrutiny as the door leading into the secret area was whipped open as someone launched himself onto the balcony before slamming the door shut behind him. Seifer could only see the back of his brunette head, but if the heavy panting was anything to go by, the boy had just managed to outrun a T-Rex and find refuge here. The other Seifer had turned unsteadily at the commotion and was glaring fiercely at the boy who had dared to disturb him.

"Gedda hell oudda here," he slurred loudly, waving the hand with the bottle in it wildly in a gesture that was presumably meant to shoo the boy toward the exit. Instead, it merely caused some of the little alcohol that remained in the bottle to slosh over his hand as the bottle was tipped. "Lookad ya made me do," Seifer yelled out, blaming the boy for his spilled drink.

When the boy turned and he was able to get a good look at his face, Seifer was only slightly surprised to see that it was Squall. A lot of his memories seemed to revolve around the boy, so it wasn't all that unexpected. Squall was giving Seifer a slightly wary and annoyed look, clearly put off at the fact that Seifer was so obviously and completely trashed. Seifer, despite his inebriated state, had managed to take notice of the fact that it was Squall who had stumbled upon him.

"Well, lookee who we ave 'ere…iz my favorite pardner in crime!" he exclaimed, giving a wide, drunken grin as he stumbled over to Squall and threw his arm haphazardly around the smaller boy's shoulders in an amicable gesture. "Whatcha doin' here?"

Squall didn't seem too happy to have Seifer's arm on him, but couldn't seem to shake the hold loose. "I was escaping a T-Rexaur," Squall informed the older boy monotonously, finally resorting to pushing the offending limb forcibly off of him.

"Aww…come on, Squallee, I'm jus bein' friendly; 'ere ave a drink…" he shoved the bottle toward Squall, who finally accepted it when it appeared that Seifer wouldn't take no for an answer. Squall lifted the bottle to his lips, pretending to drink from it, before handing it back to Seifer, who was too drunk to notice.

"What are you celebrating?" Squall questioned sarcastically, raising an eyebrow at the blond.

Seifer's face fell. "I'm celabrading thad those fuggin' spineless sons of fuckin' bitches instructors hate meh! They tell me I 'ave a probalem with fuckin' authoridy, but thad's jus 'cause I only recognize the authoridy of pee-o-ple who disserve it and know whad tha fuck they're talkin' aboud!" Seifer shouted out over the balcony, wanting his angry tirade to be heard by those that had incurred his wrath. "I was born ta be a leader nod a fuggin' yes-man!"

Squall merely listened as Seifer vented, not interrupting, just allowing Seifer to make his grievances heard. Done venting for the moment, Seifer went to take another swig from his bottle. Finishing the last drop, he looked at the bottle in annoyance before tossing it over the balcony.

"What happened at the field exam?" Squall finally spoke up quietly. It was a known fact that field exams, along with any actual missions, could not be discussed with anyone who was not already in the know. Seifer, however, had never really been one to follow rules (though he was good at enforcing them) and Squall often made exceptions when he was in Seifer's presence.

"Thad fuckin' bitch Xu, thaz what 'appened…" Seifer intoned acidly, leaning onto the railing once more. "Shit!" Here he paused to kick the wall viciously. It caused him to stumble, but luckily his steel-toed boots kept him from injuring himself. "She had it in fer me from tha beginnin'…" he lamented. He paused, turning to look at Squall, a fierce frown furrowing his brow. He was deadly serious now, the anger seemed to have dissipated, replaced by strong bitterness. "Wha da fuck are we doin' 'ere anyway, Squall? We worked our whole _lives_ to getta this point, an' fer what…? SeeD er nothin' but murders fer hire! They don't care who thay're workin' fer as long as day get paid! They're nothin' but killin' machines…Thay don' _stand_ fer anything…" He looked almost as if his whole world had shattered, as if he had just come to realize that the oasis he had been walking toward—looking for salvation—was nothing more than a mirage.

Squall seemed at a loss for what to say. "It's not a SeeD's place to judge their missions; they simply follow orders…" Squall finally replied; it sounded almost mechanical, memorized.

"Fuck, Squall! Don't choo _see_? All thay want's fugging _robots_! Maybe you can be one, bud I _can't_! I ain't no bloody hitman!" he declared vehemently. The anger was certainly back now, but more than that there was a sense of determination, of strong convictions.

Squall looked to be in deep thought. "SeeD are mercenaries, Seifer." It was a statement that was obvious, but it was said with such weight that it managed to convey something of Squall's thoughts on the subject. SeeD are killers and that's all there is to it.

Seifer sneered, seemingly unconvinced and annoyed. "Ya may act like-a cold-harded robod, Squall, but we both know thars more to you than thad…" he trailed off as he walked up to Squall, only stumbling a little. He stopped in front of the other boy, staring at him a moment before raising a hand and brushing the back of it to the brunette's cheek. Squall sucked in a breathe at the caress, but otherwise did nothing. "Why do you insis' on pushin' evryone away, Squall? When will you accept I'm nod goin' anyware?" Seifer had slowly inched closer to Squall as he spoke, the last words were spoken directly into the smaller boy's ear. Before the words even had a chance to sink in, Seifer—with a quickness that was somewhat surprising considering his intoxicated state—had moved his lips over Squall's own in a passionate, albeit drunkenly sloppy, kiss.

Squall, taken by surprise, seemed to instinctually respond before abruptly stilling against Seifer and coming to his senses, pushing the other boy away. "You're drunk, Seifer," was all he said, giving the blond a harsh glare as he maneuvered past him and all but ran back into the training center.

Seifer watched the other boy rush out forlornly. "Shit…" It was a self-deprecating whisper. "Shit. Shit. Shit…" Each word was punctuated with a fist pounding frustrated against the railing before Seifer slumped over it, head resting on his forearms.

Watching himself acting so pathetically from the sidelines, Seifer couldn't help but be a little confused and appalled by what had just played out before him. He couldn't imagine himself ever having done anything like that…Even without the GFs' influence, there was a good chance he wouldn't have remembered the encounter. He could only hope that the GFs had taken care of Squall's memory…It would be embarrassing to have the boy remember him acting so pathetically. Although, at this point he really shouldn't be worried about his pride or reputation…They were already ruined beyond repair…

Pushing that unpleasant thought aside, he was about to turn and follow Squall back out to the training center and what would undoubtedly be another memory, when he noticed that instead of looking out over the dark plains of Balamb, the balcony now overlooked a sort of desert with a house a short ways off. When the hell had that happened?

Sighing, he took the change in scenery as the cue to his next destination. Instead of the balcony being two stories up, it was now at ground level, making it easy for him to climb over the railing and into the arid environment beyond. Considering that the small house was pretty much the only thing of interest within sight, he resolutely left his sixteen-year-old self behind as he headed toward it. Idly wondering what this new destination had in store for him, he desperately tried to shove the image of him kissing Squall into the recesses of his mind, back where it belonged. He simply wasn't ready to deal with _that_.

**

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**Author's Notes:** So, here's the next installment...It turned out a little differently than I'd originally planned, and quite a bit longer...I might have to rethink my whole idea about three chapters of Seifer in Time Compression, as I'm simply not sure if I can fit all of the memories that I want to include in that space. I might go back and rearrange this chapter and the first depending on how the third chapter turns out. I'll let you all know if I end up making any major changes.

Also, I would like to thank JadeAlmasy, Sophia Porrow, Slyswn28, and Bob Da Peach for their lovely reviews, along with everyone who added this story to their alerts. I was happy to see the interest in this story.

Once again, please let me know if there are any typos or if anything seems incorrect or anything like that. I do not have a beta for this as of yet...any volunteers?

Don't expect the next installment to be out for at least a couple of weeks. I have finals coming up and then I have a bunch of stuff going on with my family for the holidays right after that. I'm hoping I will be able to post the next chapter before Christmas, but I'm not going to make any promises.

Please let me know what you think so far. I encourage any and all feedback, even criticism--as long as it's constructive.


	3. Athwart Time's Dark Resistless Stream

**Summary:** There is a fine line between dreams and reality, between coincidence and fate, between character building and soul destroying, between love and hate. Seifer's life is defined by fine lines. As he passes from memory to memory through the insanity of Time Compression, maybe he'll come a little closer to understanding why. Eventual Seifer/Squall. SLASH

**A/N:** The first part of this chapter is pretty gruesome, just to warn you.

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_Considering that the small house was pretty much the only thing of interest within sight, he resolutely left his sixteen-year-old self behind as he headed toward it. Idly wondering what this new destination had in store for him, he desperately tried to shove the image of him kissing Squall into the recesses of his mind, back where it belonged. He simply wasn't ready to deal with that._

**CHAPTER THREE: ATHWART TIME'S DARK RESISTLESS STREAM**

As he grew nearer to the small house, he took note of its surroundings. There were chocobo stables off to one side and a large fenced in area; it appeared to be a ranch. There were two black SUVs parked in front, looking distinctly out of place. They weren't labeled as such, but Seifer would bet his left nut that they were government vehicles. The only question was which government? And for that matter, where exactly was he? Judging by the desolate desert scenery before him and the mild temperature, his guess would be the Centra plains…

Making his way to the front door, he could hear yelling as he let himself in. There was a man lying dead on the living room floor, his eyes were glazed over and a bloody, circular wound in the center of his forehead indicated the cause—a nine-millimeter judging by the size of the wound. The blood was still fairly fresh, a recent kill.

Leaving the body, he followed a male voice to a back room, a bedroom presumably. He walked through the open door and assessed the situation. Four men stood dressed in a similar, professional manner, three had guns aimed at a tall woman standing rigidly in the center of the room. The fourth man had his hands clasped behind his back and appeared to be in charge. Seifer had walked in at an apparent pause in the conversation, though the leader soon spoke up once more in a deadly serious voice.

"Mrs. Reginar, I will give you one last chance to tell me who was involved in your husband's plan. It is too late for your husband and brother, but we are willing to show you and your son leniency if you assist us." His eyes bore into the woman's clear blue orbs, impressing the gravity of the situation upon her.

Seifer too stared at the woman, drinking in her regal features, blue eyes, blonde hair, and hard expression. Reginar…that's the name his aunt had used when she had spoken of his father to Edea…which would make the woman standing resolutely in the face of three guns his mother…His heart pounded rapidly within his chest, his throat constricting. His _mother_…the word rang in his head as he tried to process it. How could he be here? The only thing he had seen so far were memories, he had been present at every single scene thus far…so where was the younger version of himself? He searched the room with his eyes, but the only people present were the four soldiers and-and his…mother.

"I'm afraid I cannot help you." It was his mother who spoke, the first words he'd heard her say. Her voice was smooth and soft, though her words were said with such resolve that it was clear she would not be deterred. Seifer felt trepidation well within him. He knew what happened when captives were unwilling to cooperate…he was all too familiar with such things.

"Cannot or will not?" the man in charge questioned with obvious displeasure. "_You_ may be willing to die to protect them, but are you willing to risk your son's life as well?" The words were said lowly and deliberately, the threat was one that the man was clearly willing to see through.

Seifer looked on as his mother stood proudly, her eyes staring straight ahead, not allowing herself to be affected by the man's words. "I am perfectly willing to die for my country. And as for my son, he is no longer your concern; you will no sooner find him than you will discover the identity of our co-conspirators," her voice spoke out, powerful and unwavering. She turned and sent the leader a stern look. "You might as well get this over with; I will not waver from my decision. The least you can do is make this quick, Sethos. After all, you pledged your allegiance to my husband and have benefited from his protection more times than I can rightly recall."

Sethos seemed angered by her words, his countenance turning dark as he sent her a harsh frown. "Impertinent as ever, I see…Unfortunately, I have no more time to devote to you; you see, Adel is eager for your head. She has chosen to make an example out of Aaric and has the pike next to his reserved just for you." He paused, smirking as he let his words sink in. Seifer watched as his mother's eyes widened marginally at the implication that her and her husband's heads were to be displayed on pikes for all to see. Sethos, too, noted the slight crack in her facade. He let out a dark chuckle before continuing.

"Not to worry…It will make a lovely picture and you'll soon be joined by all of your family and friends. Your son might be a little hard to track down and your co-conspirators make take some time to uncover, but once I get my mind set on something, nothing can stop me as you well know…" He paused, drawing closer to her and reach up to almost gently caress her face. "It's too bad really, beauty such as yours seems a terrible thing to waste…" Seifer wanted to gut him; his fingers were itching to grasp Hyperion, but he knew it was no use. He ground his teeth in frustration; there was little else he could do.

Taking a step back once more, Sethos' hands fell—one to his side and the other resting at the sword strapped around his waist. He regarded Cacilia coldly, his face a mask of hardened resolve. "Cacilia Reginar, wife of Aaric Reginar, you have been charged with treason against the Sorceress Adel and the Estherian state. The punishment for your crimes is death by beheading." The words were hardly out of his mouth before his sword was unsheathed. Though Seifer knew what was about to happen, he found himself unable to look away.

Time seemed to slow as the sword was swung with deadly accuracy, connecting with its target and slicing clean through her neck and to the other side, now coated in shining red. Cacilia's eyes continued to blink and for a moment and for one brief instant Seifer managed to convince himself that she wasn't really dead—despite his better knowledge—until her head fell with a sickening thump, rolling till it came to rest beside a nearby dresser, as her body collapsed to the ground. After all of the death and destruction he had seen and caused he had thought it would be impossible for him to be disturbed by anything ever again, but he had been wrong. As he watched his mother's head roll, still blinking, blood and gore exposed, he felt bile rise in his throat and had trouble swallowing it.

He rushed forward before falling onto his knees hard, shaking uncontrollably. He wanted to scream, he wanted to gouge out Sethos' eyes and stuff his intestines down his throat, he wanted to murder each and every one of the soldiers present…just like they had murdered his mother. But none of that would do any good; none of that would bring her back. The childish notion of picking up the pieces and taping them back together again entered his mind. It was an absolutely ridiculous thought, but even knowing that, he couldn't help the urge to do just that…but maybe, with magic—no. No, she was dead…she was dead and there was nothing he could do about it. She had been dead for a very long time and this was nothing more than a memory…He knew that; he'd known that all along. The thought did little to comfort him.

Pulling himself back together, Seifer forced himself to stand once more. He noted absently that there was blood now pooling on the floor beneath him, though it had not stained his pants or any other part of him; he felt he should be thankful for that, but at the moment he just couldn't find it within himself to care. He felt drained of all emotion, left with a hollow ache within his chest and a sort of numb haziness in his brain. There was wetness on his face—tear tracks, he noted as he brushed them away. He didn't even realize he had been crying. If it had been any other situation he would have sneered in disdain and been disappointed in himself, but this was different—this was no ordinary situation.

He watched forlornly as the four men started ransacking the house, obviously searching for something, but seeming to come up empty handed. Eventually, one of the nameless subordinates retrieved his mother's head, picking it up by the hair and disregardingly wrapping it in plastic before stowing it in a duffel bag that he swung over his shoulder before following the others out. Seifer knew that he too should leave, but he couldn't seem to make himself move as of yet.

Settling onto a worn wooden chair off to one side, he slumped down as he rested his forehead on one palm as his other hand clutched his hair almost desperately. He needed to pull himself together and get the hell out of here…but for what? To be thrown into another memory that was probably best left forgotten? As weary as he was of dredging through his past, he was eager to leave this place—eager, and yet…and yet he couldn't bring himself to leave her headless, bloody corpse here all alone. All he could do was stare—as much as he wanted to look away from the gruesome sight—and wonder…

He wasn't sure how long he'd sat there staring (if time even mattered in a place like this) before he noticed a slight noise and shifting coming from a trunk on the far side of the room. He hardly had a chance to wonder at what the cause was before the trunk's lid opened up with a slight creak and a mop of blonde hair appeared. He had been wondering where his other self had been while this memory was playing out; here was his answer…He had been in the room the whole time; he'd been in the room while his mother was being butchered.

The soldiers had searched the room; how had they missed a toddler in the midst of everything…? That thought died as soon as he saw big, watery blue eyes land on the corpse still sprawled across the bedroom floor. The child's eyes widened before the boy managed to climb out of the trunk and make his way on somewhat unsteady feet to the body's side.

He watched as sniffling started as the small boy tried to comprehend what was going on. "Mo-Mo-Mom-m-my?" the boy managed to get out somewhat uncertainly through the cries. It was a moment more before a quiet sobbing started up. "Mom-my!?" This time it was spoken more desperately. At last an almost inhuman wail was heard from the child before full-blown sobs were released as the boy curled up next to his mother's corpse, heedless of the blood soaking him.

Looking on, Seifer found himself horror-struck, but somewhat detached from the scene. Though he knew with certainty that the boy now gripping his mother's dead body, bathed in a pool of her blood, was _him_, that fact would not register. He felt that he would be glad not to remember this, to simply have skipped this memory over entirely, to have left it good and buried where it belonged and not have to confront the truth of the matter.

As much as he wanted to deny the scene before him, to tear it from his thoughts and never think of it again, he couldn't help but wonder if this is where it had all started, if this was the moment that had led him to turn out the way he had. _Born in blood_ (1)…It was no wonder he had turned out to be so fucked up…Hyne, was this what had led to him becoming such a monster…?

Coming out of his slight stupor, he noted that the boy's sobs had taken on a pitiful simpering quality as he lay down next to his mother, hugging her chest to him. He was covered in blood by now. His wailing had ceased and the sobs that escaped him now were sorrowful.

Seifer didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to escape from this hell. He just wanted to get out. He _needed_ to get out, to get away from the harsh reality before him. This was all so fucked up and he simply couldn't deal with it right now…Scratch that, he was fairly certain that he couldn't deal with this _ever_. He just…he just needed to get out of this room first and foremost; he needed to get away from the horrifying sight that seemed to be seared into his retinas and already clawing at his brain.

Almost blindly Seifer hastened to the front door of the house, not giving a damn where he would be whisked off to now. Leaving the carnage of his mother's gruesome death behind him, he walked straight into what was clearly a battlefield. Focusing on it, he found that something about it seemed vaguely familiar, like a word that was on the tip of his tongue and yet he simply couldn't recall it. Was it because this memory was more recent than the rest?

The image of his mother still seemed to haunt him, but he forcefully pushed it aside as he willed himself to focus on what was before him. Taking in the appearance of his younger self, clad in a cadet uniform, he noted that he appeared to be seventeen. He deduced that this must be his second field exam. He remembered it like a dream that slipped away once the vestiges of sleep wear off; he knew it had happened and remembered vague feelings and images and the fact that he had failed, but he found he couldn't recall anything beyond that and certainly not the details before him.

He recognized the setting as Timber. This must have been when he met Rinoa, though he didn't actually remember doing so. Looking around at the scene before him, himself dressed for once in his uniform surrounded by other SeeD cadets, SeeDs, and Timber residents, with a few dead Galbadian soldiers strewn about, Seifer felt a vague stirring within his mind, something clicking within it as details that had been lost suddenly flooded his brain.

SeeD had been hired to take down a group of ex Galbadian soldiers that were plaguing the city's citizens. On paper they had been hired by Timber's Mayor, but everyone knew that he only had whatever power President Deling allowed him. Practically speaking, Galbadia's president had hired them to take down a rogue group that had taken the party line a little too far.

The only reason Balamb Garden had become involved rather than the Galbadian Army or Galbadia Garden was ostensibly due to the fact that Deling didn't want there to be even the slightest possibility that this could be spun or misconstrued to look like any form of attack on Timber. The situation there was tricky at best, with a minimal number of Galbadian soldiers occupying the town. He had to know what a media frenzy there would be if a whole troop of Galbadian soldiers flooded the city. He'd certainly want to avoid that. Not to mention the fact that Deling didn't want to have to acknowledge the fact that he was cleaning up a mess that was arguably his own fault. This way it would simply look like more violence against Galbadian soldiers instigated by Timber, thus giving him further backing in tightening the chokehold he already had on the city.

From where he was standing, Seifer could see the two year younger version of himself arguing with who he recognized to be Xu—Hyne he hated that women, and the feeling was entirely mutual. Just watching the scene unfolding he could feel the anger and hatred present. It was odd, he could recall now what the field exam had been about, but he didn't remember what exactly had caused him to fail it or this argument with Xu…odd, to say the least. Stepping closer, he could finally make out what he and Xu were furiously discussing without trying to alert _too_ much attention to themselves, though the effort seemed to be in vain for the most part.

"He wasn't a part of the Rogues! How could you kill him?! Do you know how much of a political nightmare you've probably just caused with your reckless actions?!" Xu spoke out in reprimand, glaring daggers in Seifer's direction. Seifer seemed almost taken aback at her harshness, though it should hardly have come as a surprise.

"What does it matter if he was a part of the Rogues? He was going to rape that woman! What, were you just going to twiddle your thumbs and watch it happen?!" Seifer answered her angry words with his own, seeming incredulous that Xu could actually be reprimanding him for saving some hapless Timber resident from being raped.

"We're only supposed to take out the Rogues, those are our orders. We weren't to kill any of the other G-soldiers!" Xu seemed beside herself. She was a stickler for orders, always following them to a tee, and had little to no tolerance for those who did not do the same. It was one of many reasons why Seifer always seemed to grate on her every nerve.

"Screw orders! Orders shouldn't mean that we simply sit on the sidelines when we could be doing something to help; isn't _that_ what we're supposed to be here for, to fucking _help_ people?!" Seifer retorted furiously, unable to believe that even Xu could be that much of a heartless robot.

"We're here to do as we're told. As a cadet under my supervision, I own your ass and you obey _my _commands. If you don't like it you, then you shouldn't be here!" she conveyed venomously. It would probably have made her day—hell, it would have made her whole fucking year—if Seifer had just up and quite right on the spot in a hot-headed response.

"This whole assignment is a joke! The only reason why _we're_ here instead of Galbadian forces is to preserve Deling's tentative political hold over the region." It was true, but Seifer was stepping over the line to be stating it so boldly.

"We don't get to judge our missions, we just complete them. And for _you_, this mission is over. I am officially failing you on the exam. You are to return to base camp immediately and check in with the commanding officer there. Do I make myself clear?" Xu demanded harshly, her tone leaving no room for arguments.

"Crystal," Seifer ground out. While obviously still pissed off, even he had to draw the line somewhere and knew when he was fighting a loosing battle; that didn't mean he would simply bend over and lick her boots, though. A barely perceptible smirk gracing his features (but one that Xu would surely notice), he nodded his head slightly in her direction as a slight, and mocking, acknowledgement of her authority. While the act wasn't something that he could actually receive a demerit for, the clear lack of a proper solute was something that would serve to further incite Xu.

He had turned on his heel and stormed off before Xu had a chance to do anything in response, swiftly navigating his way through the streets and alleys of Timber. Following in hot pursuit after behind himself—the odd notion still managing to give him a slight migraine—Seifer couldn't help but be assaulted by the all too fresh memories from a few months before he had landed in this whole Time Compression mess. This had been where it had all really started. He couldn't even clearly remember what had motivated him to break out of the disciplinary room (yet again) and come gallivanting in here like a white knight, though it hardly mattered anymore. Hyne, it seemed so long ago...so much had happened since then.

Seifer soon found himself following his own blond head up a flight of stairs leading to one of many pedestrian walkways that wound around the city. He wasn't really paying all that much mind to where he was stepping, and as he reached the top of the landing his feet simply seemed to slide right out from under him. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could do to prevent himself from toppling headfirst off the rail-less edge. If this had been any other day, he would have fallen head first onto the unforgiving pavement below, but as it was, he found himself being swallowed up by a large body of water, which served to cushion his fall.

Surfacing, he treaded water as he gathered his bearings. He was in the middle of the Hyne damned ocean…Looking towards the shore he could see the familiar sights of the lighthouse and orphanage. Irritated, he made his way to the beach, walking awkwardly out of the waves when his feet were finally able to touch the bottom. Oddly, his clothes and hair dried as soon as he was free from the water. Since thinking on the matter would only serve to make his head hurt worse than it already did, he decided to simply let it go…Stranger things had happened in this little wonderland…

Hearing childish laughter and voices drifting from somewhere behind the lighthouse, he figured that that had to be his next destination. Knowing the drill by now, he walked over, and sat down in the flower field a short distance away from the three small, familiar children.

He looked to be about five now and was obviously playing some sort of game with Selphie and Squall. He was brandishing a plastic sword, wielding it in a manner oddly reminiscent of the way he brandished Hyperion. Even though he found it odd that even at that young age—even before Garden—he had been carrying his weapon in such a way, he found that it was oddly pleasing…He wasn't sure if he was proud of himself, or what, but it brought a small smile to his face, one that was much needed.

Seifer was waving the small toy sword at a dragon…or at least Selphie in a makeshift dragon costume. Squall stood slightly behind Seifer with a sheet wrapped around him in what looked like a toga or a makeshift dress, with a pout on his face, certainly not happy about his part in this little play. It appeared he had been given the role of the damsel. Seifer couldn't help but chuckle. He would pay a lotta gil to see Squally's face if he were to watch this.

"Say your line!" Seifer demanded of Squall, glaring at him with all of the childish bossiness that a five-year-old could manage.

Squall glared in response. "I don' wanna be the Sorocess!" he spoke in an angry whine, even going so far as to cross his arms over his chest.

"It's _Sorceress_ and you're too big to fit in the dragon costume, so you's got to be the Sorceress," Seifer declared, appealing to logic.

Watching as his younger self played the valiant Sorceress' Knight, Seifer felt an almost queasy feeling settle in the pit of his stomach.

Selphie was apparently getting bored standing around watching the other two bicker. "Rarrr!!!" she cut in, sounding more like a lion than a dragon, but Seifer and Squall simply ignored her.

"Now say it!" Seifer demanded, getting pushier now that Squall was being obstinate.

"No!" Squall simply glared straight ahead, not budging.

"Say your line or I'll _make_ you say it!" Seifer spoke with a clear threat. Being substantially larger than Squall, due partially to being over a year older than the brunette, Seifer's threats were not something to be taken lightly.

Although still glaring, Squall seemed to find it easier to relent to the older boy's demands. "Save me from the dragon." It was said so monotonously that one would have thought Squall was utterly bored.

"Ugh! _Squall_! You have to say 'Oh, Sir Knight…Save me from the wicked dragon…!'" Seifer instructed knowledgably, rolling his eyes at the younger boy in exasperation.

"Why don't _you_ be the Sorceress then!" Squall cried out in annoyance.

"Because _I'm_ the Knight." It was said in the most straight-forward way, in a way that declared that that should have been obvious and clearly beyond questioning.

Apparently giving up, Squall reluctantly followed Seifer's instruction. "'Oh, Sir Knight…Save me from the wicked dragon…'" It was still spoken rather dully, but apparently Seifer was satisfied.

"I'll save you from the dragon!" The battle scene commenced, Seifer gallantly slaying the evil 'dragon' with a few well placed slices of his sword and a lot of sound effects. Selphie, for her part, acted out her role with much gusto, as she died rather dramatically.

"Aarrghhh…" She rolled around a few times on the ground for good measure, before finally slumping and falling still with a flourish.

"I have slain the dragon for you, my fair Sorceress!" Seifer declared with bravado, clearly quite pleased with himself. Selphie started to get up at this point, clearly ruining Seifer's moment of triumph as he let out a hissed, _"You're dead, you can't move!"_

"But I'm bored and this costume is hot and itchy!" Selphie complained with a pout, scratching her head with the large, felt paw that covered her hand.

Seifer glared daggers at her, which caused her to pout even more, but served to shut her up. He then turned to Squall with a pointed look.

"How brave you are, Sir Knight…However shall I thank you?" Squall still lacked enthusiasm, but was willing to play along in order to appease Seifer so that the torture could be done with.

"A kiss is all I require, Fair Sorceress," Seifer recited before moving in with the clear intention of retrieving his reward.

"Eww…" Squall declared, pushing Seifer away as he sent him his iciest glare.

"Stop that! We have to kiss; that's how the movie goes." Naturally, to be a real hero Seifer had to follow the actual movie down to the last detail.

Whereas he had been reluctantly willing to play along up to this point, Squall clearly drew the line here and simply refused to budge.

"I am your Knight and you will kiss me!" Seifer shouted forcefully, not one to back down from a challenge.

"NO!"

Seifer seemed to contemplate the answer for a moment before his shoulders slouched and he relented. "Okay…You can take the costume off..." When Squall let his guard down, however, he quickly grabbed ahold of him, easily whirled him around, and gave him a great big smack on the lips. Before Squall could protest or more likely slap him, Seifer let go with a triumphant smirk and with a parting a declaration of his victory—"There!"—he turned tail and fled. Squall didn't even bother chasing after him, clearly already knowing he had no hope of catching the taller boy.

Selphie just giggled as she started peeling her costume off. "Seifer and Squa-a-l-l-l sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" she sung loudly. Having gotten her costume off, she started to skip back toward the orphanage as Seifer chased after her, his sword once more in hand as he tried to shut her up. Squall merely huffed, ripping his sheet off before following them inside with the sheet in hand.

Sitting in the grass, watching all of this, Seifer found himself filled with mixed emotions. He felt nearly overwhelmed with a sort of nostalgia, a sort of longing for these simpler and happier times. At the same time, the scene had seemed almost foreboding to him, foreshadowing some of what was to come and showing the innocent beginnings of what would later be his now shattered romantic dream…And what else had he shattered in the attempt to fulfill it?

The first thing that came to mind was Squall…Even though Squall had managed to prevail in the end, he had been put through a lot...For once, Seifer actually felt guilty for something that he had done. They had been through so much together…They had known each other basically their whole lives. Despite the fact that he had felt a deep connection to Squall, he had never fully realized the extent of it…

The rumor about GFs causing memory loss was apparently true…and they had stolen the greater part of his life away from him. How was he supposed to know who he was if he could hardly remember anything about himself? These memories were _something_, but he was tired of this, and if he were to be shown everything that had led to where he was now, it would take _years_. If only he could simply _remember_, then maybe he could get the hell out of this place…But where to begin? The beginning, ironically enough, didn't seem like a very good place to start, seeing as how he knew so little about that portion of his life, and yet the end seemed like it would be just as fruitless. If he could just find something that connected it all, some constant amidst all of the chaos, some connecting thread…

Lying back in the grass, he closed his eyes, and an image of Squall came to mind. It seemed odd to consider, but he was certain that most of his memories had something to do with the younger brunette. From the pieces that had been shown to him so far, he found that aside from himself, Squall was most recurrent theme in it all. He had known Squall at least since the time he was five and, aside from him entering Garden a year before Squall, it would seem that they had been in each other's lives in some way or another ever since.

Not really sure what the hell he was doing, but figuring it was worth a try anyway, he tried to conjure up images of Squall, hoping to somehow unlock the memories associated with him. The harder he concentrated, though, the more the memories seemed to elude him, though, as if they were there, somewhere, but just out of reach. Something seemed to be keeping him from accessing most of the memories…

Was it a barrier the GFs had built in his mind? Were they residing in the part of his brain that contained these memories and keeping them from him? Was every increase in compatibility with them increasing the space they consumed in his brain, the memories they consumed? He grew angry at the thought. He was tired of always feeling like something was missing, like he was incomplete and didn't know why.

Sitting up, he hastily pulled out the anchoring stones for each of his GFs. Without them hogging his brain, maybe he would be able to regain his memories…Besides, what did he need to be junctioned for in here anyway? Concentrating, he unjunctioned himself from his GFs one by one, drawing their magical energy from within and focusing on placing it into each of the stones, trapping the Guardians within the inanimate objects. Free from them, he closed his eyes and tried to focus once more on Squall, tried to focus on the pieces of their history together that seemed to be missing.

He came upon the wall once more, but this time it wasn't as solid, as impenetrable as it had felt just minutes ago. This time when he pushed it seemed to bend, to undulate like he was pushing against a wall of made of Jell-O, though still it did not break. If he just pushed a little bit _harder_…He focused harder on Squall, trying to concentrate on one small piece of the puzzle that was missing…He imagined himself wielding Hyperion, slashing at the wall with all of his force…He could feel it yielding, giving way, and then, suddenly, it felt as if a cord had snapped and opened up the floodgates that had been sealed for so many years.

The memories assaulted him. Everything was there; everything was accessible. He knew it would take some time to sort through it all, to make sense of it, but he felt complete, he felt whole, for the first time in…well, he couldn't remember the last time he had felt this way. And for once in his life, the feeling didn't irk him, didn't unsettle him, because he _knew_ that the fact that he couldn't remember it meant that it had never happened before and not that there was something fundamentally wrong with him. He felt enlightened. Even though his thoughts were spinning, even though his mind was now a whirlwind of events and people and places that were scrambled and disordered and utterly confusing, even though he felt as if his mind was going to explode from the sudden influx of information, he felt remarkably relieved. He knew some of the memories were horrible, terrifying things that might be best to forget, but he felt relieved all the same.

Amid the chaos and discord of his thoughts, one memory suddenly jumped out at him. A memory of Squall. He and Squall were in the Secret Area together and from the look of things it couldn't have been more than a year, maybe two, ago. He had kissed Squall. Oh Hyne! He remembered the feel and taste of his lips, the way Squall had started to respond before suddenly stilling beneath him and shoving him off with all of his strength. He remembered the hurtful words Squall had yelled at him, telling him to never, _ever_ touch him like that again. He had accused Squall of pushing him away because he was afraid to become attached to anything, because he was afraid that Seifer too would leave him. Squall hadn't bothered arguing with him, he had merely walked away…He had just _left_…left Seifer before Seifer could leave him…

He recalled the rather similar to the memory that he had seen play out, where he had drunkenly kissed Squall only to be shoved away…It had come after the original incidence which had just popped into his head and had, in part, been a direct result of that encounter. Shit, what other memories had been locked away all this time…? Images continued to swirl in his head, but nothing stood still long enough for him to grasp at it and even try to begin to make sense of.

Even though they were still a mess and currently giving him a headache, it was nice to have his memories back, though it hadn't done anything to help him leave this purgatory. How the hell was he supposed to get out of this messed up journey of self discovery? It was all so exhausting and trying…especially after all that had happened in the past few months…

Lying down once more, he lounged in the grass, watching the clouds go by. He wasn't sure how the hell he was supposed to get out of this time warp or whatever it was or even if he _could_ get out of it. At least here, lying in the grass watching the clouds go by, not having to worry about such mundane things as hunger or sleep, it was peaceful if only for a moment. He wondered if this was his punishment, if he was, perhaps in hell, doomed to review an endless loop of memories of a life he had only now come to remember and wonder where he'd gone wrong…He knew it was no more than he deserved, but he doubted that an eternity pondering that thought would guide him to an answer.

The truth was that he simply didn't know when everything had begun to fall apart. He had never been a model student, his first SeeD exam if nothing else showed that, but…Somehow he'd always believed that what he was doing was _right_, whether it was something he would be reprimanded for or not. He hadn't thought twice about holding the President of Galbadia hostage, although he knew it was a crime, and he'd joined Edea of his own free will…It was all he'd ever dreamed of, to be a Sorceress' Knight, like in the movie he had watched religiously when he was a kid…and the things she had promised him…

Somewhere between joining Edea and ordering the missile strike on Balamb Garden something had gone horribly wrong. He really couldn't be sure where his self-delusion of fulfilling his dream ended and the mind control began. How had his dream become so warped and twisted? Hyne, he had tortured Squall almost until his breaking point and felt nothing other than anger and hatred coursing through him. Although he knew it wasn't him, that he himself would never do that, he wondered at how easily he'd been coerced and manipulated…'Lapdog' they had called him. And they were right. There was nothing he wouldn't have done, no command he wouldn't have followed…

That more than anything had scared him. He'd had no control over his own mind or body, his worst nightmare incarnate. How had he been so blind?! Closing his eyes he tried to focus his mind somewhere else, anywhere but the path it was currently taking. He thought of Squall, of the rival he had virtually trained to conquer him. It was almost funny, looking back on it all…It was incredibly poetic that he and Squall had been the commanders on opposite sides of the war…It was also bitterly ironic. Somehow, despite their rivalry, he had always pictured him and Squall fighting side by side, together the conquering heroes, he the valiant Sorceress' Knight and Squall his trusty sidekick.

He let out a humorless laugh at the thought. How very different things had turned out. He took in a deep, cleansing breath before opening his eyes once again. He was somewhat surprised to find that it was dark now, stars dotting the sky and a crescent moon shining brightly. When had that happened? He wasn't sure why he wondered at that though, after all the other strange things that had happened… besides, when time was no longer linear, when a day could be an hour or a minute a millennium, he supposed that it could easily go from midday to midnight in the blink of an eye.

Idly he wondered how long he had been in here…If he ever got out, would years have passed since he had left? Would he end up getting deposited in the wrong time frame entirely? Or would it appear as if no time at all had passed, as if he was gone one instant and then back the next? It wasn't something he had any control over, so he figured that it didn't really matter all that much. Perhaps it would be better if he ended up in an entirely different period, where he wouldn't have to deal with all of the things he had done, all of the atrocities he had committed, all of the lives he had ruined…

He couldn't remember the last time he had sincerely apologized to anyone, if ever, but now he felt that if he was not able to return that that would be the one thing he would regret, not owning up to his crimes and at least attempting to atone for them. It was a humbling thought. He owed apologies to so very many people. And at the top of that list stood Squall. What would he say to him if he were here?

"_I'll be here…"_

"_Why…?"_

"_I'll be 'waiting'…here…"_

"_For what?"_

"_I'll be waiting…for you…so…If you come here…You'll find me."_

"_I promise."_

"If only it were that simple…If only I could simply come here and find you waiting for me…" He let out a sigh, thinking about the first memory he had seen upon breaking out from the mirrored hell-hall what seemed like days ago. He could hear a soft sound from somewhere behind his head, but before he could turn around to investigate what had caused it, he got his answer.

"Whose to say I haven't been…?" a voice answered, Squall's voice. Sitting up, startled, Seifer turned around to lay eyes on the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. A 17-year-old Squall Leonhart who was looking and speaking directly at _him_.

**

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**Author's Notes:**

1) Kudos to anyone who gets the reference here. Hint: it's a series on Showtime.

Okay, so here is the third installment. I hope this chapter was worth the wait and that it lived up to expectations. This is the point where I'm not precisely sure where I want to take the fic. First off, I never planned on simply ending things here, but I had considered ending this particular fic and then starting a sequel where I continued the story, but due to responses and my own preference now that I've gotten here, I have decided to just keep it all just one fic and not split it up.

Question: Okay, so I am seriously considering writing the next chapter from Squall's point of view and maybe showing some of what he went through, but I think that it would maybe take away from the fic. I actually am really enjoying writing from Seifer's point of view and I think it might be more interesting to only have Seifer's perspective on things and have to try to figure out with him what is going through Squall's head…Let me know what you guys think…

Oh, and I was also wondering what the reactions are on the whole scene with Seifer's mother…

Also, let me know if there are any parts in the fic that seem a little weird. I did some cutting and pasting to reorganize the fic to make it work better and I think I smoothed everything out to make it fit, but quite frankly it is rather late and I want to get this posted quickly before I go to bed, so I haven't done a final read through. I will go back and read through it and edit it, etc. tomorrow or the next day when I get a chance, but point out anything you see in the meantime.

Once again, thank you to everyone who reviewed both the first and second chapter! You all have had such wonderful things to say and I am so glad that the receptions of my depiction of Seifer's history have been received positively thusfar. I'm too tired to go through and answer individual reviews and whatnot right now, but just know that I really appreciate all the support and interest shown in this story!


	4. Box of Rain

**Summary:** There is a fine line between dreams and reality, between coincidence and fate, between character building and soul destroying, between love and hate. Seifer's life is defined by fine lines. As he passes from memory to memory through the insanity of Time Compression, maybe he'll come a little closer to understanding why. Eventual Seifer/Squall. SLASH

**A/N:** The chapter title is taken from Box of Rain by Grateful Dead. It truly is an amazing song, one of my favorites, and I just felt that it fit this chapter nicely. Lyrics are at the very bottom for those interested.

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"_Whose to say I haven't been…?" a voice answered, Squall's voice. Sitting up, startled, Seifer turned around to lay eyes on the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. A 17-year-old Squall Leonhart who was looking and speaking directly to him. _

**CHAPTER FOUR: BOX OF RAIN**

Seifer was speechless for a moment, wondering if this could possibly be real. He seemed to have been trapped in this wonderland for so long that he could hardly fathom that Squall could actually be standing here before him. Was he out of time compression? And what was Squall doing here?

"The great Squall Leonhart waiting on little old me? Why I'm flattered," Seifer bit out, reverting back to old habits. He couldn't help but to feel a little unsure of himself, and therefore defensive, at the moment and he couldn't help the slight bitterness that laced his tone.

Squall gave him a scrutinizing look, but seemed almost reassured by the response that was so typical of Seifer and his interactions before the war. "Nothing better to do," was Squall's short, emotionless reply, though his eyes continued to search Seifer's face in an act that belied his words.

Seifer looked away from Squall, staring blankly toward the sea. Why was it that when he actually saw Squall, actually spoke to him face to face, his resolve seemed to crumble instantly. There were so many things he wanted to say to Squall, so many things he wanted to ask of him, but the words seemed to stick in his throat. It was so much easier to pretend that he didn't care, to pretend that everything was simply the same as always…

His jaw clenched as Squall took a seat beside him and a sense of guilt or regret or _something_ held his heart in a vice that physically pained him. The moment seemed so very surreal, but the ache in his chest, if nothing else, was definitely real. He had been wishing for nothing more than to be able to apologize for and own up to his mistakes, especially in regard to Squall, and here was his chance. _Here goes nothing…_

"I'm sorry." The words hung in the air, saturating it to the point that you could almost taste them. Squall remained silent, but Seifer knew that he had heard. He didn't bother to turn to look at Squall, simply because he didn't want to see his reaction. If he was honest with himself, he was afraid of it...He was afraid that Squall would refuse him and what it would mean if he did.

Seifer could feel Squall's eyes on him, the other boy scrutinizing him once more, staring at him with such intensity that it made his skin crawl. "I know," was all he said in reply, though the words held deep understanding. While Seifer was glad that it appeared Squall believed that he was honestly sorry, he wasn't sure what more to make of those words.

The silence wore on, not entirely uncomfortable, but filled with all the tension of the things going unsaid by either one of them. Squall seemed to be lost inside his head as per usual and was following Seifer's example of staring into the ocean. It was Seifer who broke first, finding it necessary to clarify his apology and to make sure Squall knew exactly what he meant by it. "Look, I never meant to hurt you…It's just…somehow everything spun out of control. I went from fulfilling my romantic dream to being trapped in some horrible nightmare…" he trailed off, running a hand through his hair in agitation as he tried to find words to convey all of the things that he wanted Squall to know. Perhaps there simply weren't words that could possibly suffice. "I'm sorry," he reiterated, putting as much feeling behind those words as he possibly could and hoping that they would get through to the brunette.

Squall remained silent, still staring ahead, for a moment longer, absorbing Seifer's words before turning to meet his gaze. The tumultuous blue and grey orbs bore into Seifer and rooted him to the spot. "I know," Squall reiterated simply, gazing deeply into Seifer's eyes. "I never blamed you."

The words were stated so factually, so steadily, that Seifer couldn't doubt that they were true. He felt his heart lift a little, though he hardly dared to breathe. He hadn't really considered what Squall would say in response to his apology (maybe something along the lines of 'Fuck off'), and this was more than he could have possibly hoped for. "Why?" The word was out of his mouth before he consciously considered saying it, his incredulity audible.

Squall had turned back to the sea in contemplation. "I know you didn't want things to end up like they did. I know you did things that you didn't want to."

Seifer stared at Squall's profile, wondering how Squall could accept all of it so easily. For some inexplicable reason, he almost wished the boy would get mad at him, yell at him in anger, do something to show the emotions that should be bubbling below the surface. The fact that he wasn't doing so almost made Seifer question whether Squall even care about all of the things Seifer had done to him.

"How do you know that?! And regardless of whether I wanted to or not, I still did all of those things! I bombed Trabia Garden and attacked Balamb! I unleashed Adle for Hyne's sake! Are you really this easy to gain forgiveness from, or are you really so heartless that you don't give a shit about what I did?!" Seifer demanded, facing Squall and practically shouting at him in an attempt to get some emotion out of his rival.

At first Squall stared at him in slight bewilderment before his eyes narrowed at the accusations. "You want me to be angry with you? You want me to condemn you for all of the despicable things that you inflicted upon us?! You think that it's been _easy_ for me to come to terms with what you've done and to not blame you for it?" Squall questioned, a seething anger seeping into his every word. "If I didn't know you as well as I do, if I didn't see you descending into the depths of _insanity_ with my own eyes, I would have killed you when I had the chance! I don't _forgive_ the things you did, Seifer, I simply know that it wasn't really _you_ that did them, and that we were at war and that there were things going on that were out of both of our control and that I can't hold you responsible for all of it."

Although Seifer had often riled Squall up in order to get through to him and get him to actually _talk_ to him before, this was the most intense and passionate he had ever seen him and he didn't think he had ever heard Squall say that much at one time before. The boy was both terrifying and awe inducing and Seifer couldn't help but stare at him. The war had obviously been harder on Squall than even he had realized, and it would appear that it had changed him.

Not really knowing what else to do and feeling that Squall would appreciate having the subject closed, Seifer changed the subject after a pause to let everything settle. "I regained my memories," he informed the other boy, leaning back on his elbows in the grass and watching as the sky darkened.

Squall turned to him, the angry creases in his forehead smoothing out as he focused his attention to the new subject. He seemed relieved to not have to explain his outburst. "All of them?" he questioned curiously.

"Yeah…I experienced some of them in Time Compression and then…I don't know, I removed the GFs and was able to push through the barrier or whatever that they'd created in mind and then it all hit me like an angry Doomtrain…" Seifer recounted, glancing in Squall's direction out of the corner of his eye and trying to gauge his reaction. Squall seemed confused by this explanation, leading Seifer to believe that his experience had not been the same.

Squall appeared thoughtful as he stared up at the stars that had appeared. "I saw some things too…just a few, though…" he trailed off, seemingly lost in thought. Seifer wondered what memories Squall had been exposed to and if they had been ones that Seifer had seen in his own wanderings. Scrutinizing the sky more closely, Squall continued, "I don't think we're out yet."

Laying down fully, Seifer gazed up at the stars himself, watching as they passed through the sky far too quickly for it to be in real time. He sighed, not really sure if he should be dismayed or not. At least he had company now and wasn't stuck watching his life pass him by from the sidelines…"Do you think we'll ever get out? I wonder if it's possible to die in here…" he mused aloud, not particularly caring at the moment.

Squall followed his lead and reclined next to Seifer as they both stargazed. "I don't know…" Seifer wasn't sure which question he was answering, but he supposed it didn't really matter. Time Compression had only ever been theoretical, with little more than speculation to go by. For all they knew, when they did get out (_if_ they got out) it could be many millennia in their own past or future. Seifer didn't really care one way or the other. Squall was with him now and for the moment nothing else really mattered.

They lay there in companionable silence for a few minutes before Squall ventured to break it. "Is it worth remembering?" he questioned quietly.

Seifer pondered it for a moment, images flashing through his mind. Was becoming whole again, remembering who he was, worth the price of watching his mother die and of remembering his own multiple failures and suffering? "Yes," he answered truthfully. He hadn't considered it before this moment, but he would give just about anything to have Squall remember their past together, their shared memories. Although Squall obviously felt connected to him even now, he couldn't stand the thought of Squall not knowing, of him not understanding everything that they were and had been to each other.

"Store your GFs," he instructed, knowing that Squall would obey, sensing that Squall needed to feel whole again just as much as Seifer himself had. One by one Squall unjunctioned his GFs and placed them in the small, round, color-coded stones, placing them securely in his pocket for safekeeping. "Relax, close your eyes and try to focus on something in particular and draw up a memory of it. You should come to a barrier. Imagine yourself pushing through it, hacking it to pieces and breaking through…" He wasn't really sure what else to say; if this didn't work then he wasn't sure that there was anymore he could do to help Squall.

Closing his eyes and relaxing as he lounged in the grass, Seifer was surprised to find that he was relatively content at the moment. Without being bombarded by memories, Time Compression was actually rather peaceful…With no one here besides Squall he had relatively little to worry about and considering that he didn't seem to get hungry or tired or have any other bodily needs, he could simply _be_. That in and of itself was a relief after everything that he'd been through in the past however many months.

Just as he felt about ready to drift off to sleep, Seifer felt Squall stir beside him and turned toward him, gazing searchingly at him. Squall appeared somewhat confused and perhaps a bit concerned and Seifer wasn't sure whether this was a sign of his success in accessing his memories or not. For once, he decided to simply wait and hope that Squall would share whatever it was with him without his prodding.

"Why did you kiss me?" the brunette questioned at length, avoiding looking at Seifer.

_Which time? _was the first thought that came to Seifer's mind, making him mentally wince. So, Squall remembered then, and of all the things to focus on, it just had to be _that_. "It's all still a jumble; I haven't had time to sort everything out…" he deflected, trying to steer the conversation away from that particular topic. He most definitely did _not_ want to discuss this of all things at the moment and he didn't have an answer to give Squall because he had absolutely no idea why he had kissed the other boy besides that it had seemed like a good idea at the time and that the second time he had been blacked-out drunk. It wasn't until the thought passed through his mind that he realized it wasn't true. He _did_ in fact know why he had kissed Squall, or at least suspected, he simply wasn't yet ready to face what it meant. _Shit_.

Squall seemed to believe Seifer as much as Seifer himself did, but didn't press the issue. Instead, he changed the subject. "So, what happens now?" It was a tricky question.

Seifer wasn't sure how to respond to that. He wasn't sure if Squall was asking about their current predicament of getting out of this time warp or if he was questioning what happened in their relationship—or whatever you wanted to call it—now that they had both regained their memories. Either question left him stumped.

"How the hell should I know?" He wasn't trying to be a smartass, merely being honest. Seifer let out a heavy sigh. "Do you think things would have turned out any differently if we'd known all along?" Seifer dared to ask. The thought had been plaguing him for the past few minutes, but he hadn't seemed to be able to find an answer to it that he liked.

"Maybe," Squall replied, gazing at Seifer sidelong. "Does it really matter?" Seifer had been wondering the same thing himself…For some reason he felt that it _did_ matter. He wanted to think that he would have done things differently, that perhaps he wouldn't have been taken in so easily by the Sorceress's charm if he'd had full possession of his memories, but he couldn't honestly say that it would have made one damn bit of difference in the way things had played out. And that bothered him, though he couldn't have explained why even if he tried.

"Do you think being Cid's foster child will save me from the chopping block?" Seifer suddenly ventured, trying for a joking tone, but failing miserably. He wasn't sure why those words had just come out of his mouth, and he already regretted them, but it was something he would have to face sooner or later…hopefully later.

Squall turned to him fully, sitting up and giving him an oddly concerned and extremely serious look. Seifer looked away, not able to face it at the moment. Squall paused, presumably to gather his thoughts before he spoke. "A lot of people did horrible things in this war, not just you. The only people who really deserved to die are already dead. Besides, I don't think that Cid will want Matron to be executed, and it would be rather hypocritical of him to save her and let you be fed to the wolves…" Squall trailed off, falling back into silent musing, still with a troubled look on his face.

Seifer appreciated Squall's comments, but couldn't be quite so optimistic himself. "I don't know how much of a say Cid will have…The International Court will probably want to try me as a war criminal like they did with those involved in the First Sorceress War. And from what I remember from class, they aren't particularly lenient or forgiving…" He tried to distance himself from the reality of it; tried to pretend that it wasn't bothering him, but that of course was impossible. A part of him wished that he could stay in here, in the relative safety of this alternate reality of sorts and never have to face what he knew would be awaiting him when he returned…unfortunately, though, that was liable to get rather boring after a while. Perhaps he could somehow get himself deposited into a different time period…but that idea didn't really appeal to him either.

"I'd speak on your behalf…I'm sure it'd mean something considering that I'm the 'hero'," Squall offered, saying the last word with more than a hint of sarcasm. Seifer found that it annoyed him.

"You _are_ the hero, Squall. If that bothers you so much, then I'll gladly trade spots with you," Seifer found himself half snarling as he regarded his companion in mild disgust. What he wouldn't give to be in Squall's shoes, and to see him acting as if it was a bad thing was a bit of a slap in the face.

Squall seemed taken aback. "I'm not much of a hero…I never had big dreams of saving the day like you did, Seifer," he defended seriously.

"Yeah, and look at all the good that did me," he replied bitterly. "Look, let's just focus on trying to get the hell out of here." He knew it was obvious he was purposefully changing the subject, but at this point he really didn't care.

"No," was Squall's reply to the suggestion, shocking Seifer. "You didn't answer my question from before…Why did you kiss me?" Seifer stared at him incredulously. He thought Squall had let this go earlier, but apparently not. Squall could be a persistent little bastard when he wanted to be.

Seifer wasn't sure he was up to a heart-to-heart at the moment, though, or being rejected again for that matter. "Maybe I was Confused at the time," he responded a bit harshly, referring to the spell, but realizing that the statement was probably at least partially true in the other sense. "Maybe I was just feeling horny and you were the nearest warm body," he continued, practically hissing. He knew he wasn't fooling anyone, but it was easier to be sarcastic and inflammatory than to risk exposing himself. He decided to turn the tables. "Why did you push me away?" The thought that Squall hadn't wanted him, that he had looked scared to death by the prospect of even kissing Seifer, still stung.

Squall looked startled. "What?" He seemed genuinely confused.

"If you want to know why the hell I kissed you, then first I want _you_ to tell me why the hell you shoved me away and then ran out of there like there was a T-Rexaur on your ass!" Seifer spelled it out for him, letting his anger show through.

Squall seemed to grow angry in turn. "In case you've forgotten, _again_, we were little more than rivals by that time and you spent half of your time trying to get under my skin. How was I supposed to know that wasn't simply another one of your tactics," Squall let out in frustration. He looked at Seifer expectantly.

While Seifer had never used anything like that to taunt anyone, he couldn't exactly fault Squall for thinking that he might, though he still found Squall's reaction to have been somewhat odd nonetheless. Figuring he had nothing more to lose, Seifer decided that he might as well try for an honest answer this time. "Is it so terrible for me to want to feel an actual connection to someone?" he questioned earnestly, surprising himself a little. "I mean, Raijin and Fujin are great and all, but…Fuck, Squall, can't I show an honest emotion around you without being confronted with a stone wall?!" Squall looked almost hurt and Seifer felt a twinge of guilt, though he didn't regret anything he'd said.

"You think just because you talked to me that you didn't have a wall up too, Seifer? And when was the last time before today that you actually showed me an honest emotion—_without_ bothering to ridicule me a sentence later?" The words bore into Seifer. He wanted to refute them, but realized that they were true.

"I'll be the first to admit that I can be a right jackass at times, especially when it comes to people I don't like, but in your case, Squall, it was usually the only way I could get you to even give me the time of day these past few years. And any time I tried to do anything genuine I had it thrown back in my face!" Seifer huffed, glaring at the impertinent brunette. By now they were both standing and facing off as they practically yelled in each other's face; Seifer wasn't exactly sure when they had stood up. He couldn't help but feel slightly smug thanks to the 6 or so inches he had over Squall.

Squall seemed almost frustrated beyond words by now and was tugging harshly on his brown locks as he frowned up at Seifer. "This is getting us nowhere!" he growled out in annoyance. His hands flew up towards Seifer's face in a motion so quick that he could barely register it let alone respond, even with his well-honed skills. He fully expected a blow, but was shocked when Squall merely placed one hand firmly behind his head and the other clasped at his neck. He was even more shocked when the brunette proceeded to pull him down toward him, closing the distance between them and crushing their lips together.

Seifer didn't think he had ever been so stunned in his life. It took a moment, but eventually instinct took over and he responded, feeling the need to answer Squall's brashness with his own. He grabbed the smaller man about the waist, yanking him forward and clutching him possessively as he drove his tongue into his mouth. It certainly wasn't the most romantic kiss in the world, but it certainly wasn't lacking in passion.

Although simply feeling the need to show Squall up as his first reaction, Seifer found himself enjoying the kiss. All the curiosity he'd had in regards to kissing Squall over the past couple of years was finally answered. And it was every bit as fulfilling as Seifer had imagined it to be. Seifer had kissed his fair share of people, but none of them could even compare. No one had ever made his stomach flutter or his pulse race; no one had ever made his tongue tingle with pleasure or sent the blood rushing to his groin quite like this.

It was over far too soon, leaving them both gasping for air. It had been a long time in coming and he was shocked that it had been Squall that had initiated it this time around. Seifer closed his eyes, savoring the moment as he leaned his forehead on Squall's and attempted to ignore all the negative thoughts trying to push their way back into his consciousness.

Seifer stood there, almost desperately clutching onto Squall for what must have been at least a few minutes before his senses finally came back to him. Releasing Squall, he turned and strode a few steps away, raking a hand through his hair. This certainly complicated things…as if he needed any more complications right now. He wasn't sure what exactly this…_thing_ between him and Squall was and he doubted he would ever get the chance to find out. He doubted the world would settle for anything less than his public execution or at the very least seeing him rot the rest of his life away in D-District. "Shit…Shit! Shit! SHIT!!!" he swore viciously.

He marched over to the spot where he'd left Hyperion and unsheathed the gunblade with a swift movement before stomping off toward some bushes a short ways off. He just needed to hurt something right now; he needed to get out all of his murderous rage at the sick trick that Fate was playing on him.

He reduced the bushes to little more than small, stubby roots in no time at all, but it did little to appease his anger or frustration. He kicked the small stumps that remained with his steel-toed boots, but again felt no better. He slumped to the ground in defeat, hurling Hyperion away from him in disgust. He had never treated his gunblade with anything less than the utmost reverence, but right now he couldn't help but feel betrayed by her. She had helped get him into this whole mess and now she couldn't even make him feel any better. What use was she to him anymore, anyway? It was doubtful that he'd ever really get the chance to use her again anyway. And besides, after almost killing Squall with her in those final battles, she was just as tarnished as he was.

He heard Squall approach him before stopping a short distance away as if unsure if he should dare come closer. "I'm not mad at you, you know," Seifer assured the brunette. "It's just this whole fucking situation!" he spat out in anger, most of which was directed at himself.

"Yeah," Squall muttered in agreement as he settled down beside Seifer.

"Yeah," Seifer repeated, mocking Squall's lack of ire before letting out a heavy sigh. He wasn't mad at Squall and it wouldn't do him any good to take his anger out on him. He let himself fall fully on the ground and closed his eyes for a second in an attempt to collect himself. "We need to get the hell out of here," he decided.

"What will you do when we get back?" Squall questioned anxiously.

"I guess I'll face the fucking consequences," Seifer informed him tiredly, his energy drained. "There won't really be many places I can hide, besides I don't really fancy the thought of constantly having to look over my shoulder."

Squall looked concerned, but nodded. "If that's what you want," he agreed hesitantly.

"What I want…? What I want is something that I seriously doubt is even possible anymore…But, yeah, this is what I've decided I'm doing." Seifer sighed before hauling himself to his feet and turning to offer Squall a hand up. "So, to get out of here…Don't tell me we have to tap our feet three times and repeat 'There's no place like home'?" he questioned sarcastically, raising a brow.

Squall let out an amused snort. "There's no way you're getting me to do that, so I seriously hope not," he declared. "From what we could gather, you have to focus on the time and place you want to return to and…well, I don't know really."

"Well, that's not much to go on, but I guess it's worth a try…" Seifer looked around, spotting Hyperion lying a short distance away, he carefully went about retrieving her and settling her back into her sheath, which he strapped about his waist. He had been wrong to take his anger out on Hyperion; he certainly didn't want to go anywhere without her. "Alright, ready?"

Squall merely nodded. Seifer snatched his hand, at which Squall raised a brow in question. "I'm certainly not going to lose you now. If I get back and they find out I let their little hero stay stuck in Time Compression, I'll be a dead man for sure," he offered by way of explanation. Squall let the joking slide, refraining from commenting.

_Concentrate on a time and place? Could that be anymore vague? _"Okay, just concentrate on this exact spot right after Ultimecia's defeat," Seifer instructed uncertainly. He closed his eyes, concentrating, comforted by the assuring presence of Squall's hand within his own. _How do I know if it's working? _No sooner had he thought that then a sort of mild whirlwind seemed to engulf him.

Seifer opened his eyes, tightening his hand on Squall's. They were in what appeared to be a sort of black void with the only color and light seeming to come from a small pool of water a short distance away. Nothing but the pool was visible and Seifer was glad that he had thought to grab Squall's hand as it was the only thing that let him know that he was still with him. He started forward, moving awkwardly in the near pitch black, heading toward the pool and dragging Squall with him. Their feet didn't make a sound as they walked. It wasn't long before they stood beside the water.

Looking down into the shimmering surface, Seifer was awed to find that an image of the field that they had just left, though the field was filled with flowers in full bloom, unlike how they had left it. Looking sideways at Squall, he found the brunette just as entranced as he was. Bending down to touch the water's surface, Seifer skimmed it with his fingertips as he wondered if he was really ready for this. But, ready or not, it was too late now to turn back. Taking a deep breath, he plunged head first into the water. He felt a slight pull on his arm as it took Squall a second to follow, and then he was floating in an abyss with nothing but the constant pressure of Squall's hand within his own to reassure him.

Suddenly, they were falling, and with a thud he found himself deposited unceremoniously on the ground. The wind was knocked out of him and he was sore, but as his vision cleared, Seifer found himself looking up into a beautiful blue sky and lounging in a field of flowers with Squall lying next to him. Breathing in the fresh, flower scented air made Seifer realize how much more real and alive he felt and how stale the air in Time Compression seemed in comparison.

Consequences be damned, it was worth it just for this moment. He refused to relinquish Squall's hand as he lay down and watched the clouds drift slowly overhead. Seifer let his eyes close lazily, inhaling the sweet air deeply as a genuine smile graced his face. For one blissful moment he forgot his impending doom. For one blissful moment nothing mattered but the sun warming his face and Squall's hand held firmly in his own. For one blissful moment he was happy.

**

* * *

Author's Notes:** I hope everyone is satisfied with Squall and Seifer's interaction. I felt like Squall talked _a lot_, but I feel that Seifer sort of draws it out of him. Anyway, so I decided, partially thanks to all of your responses that I'm going to keep the fic all in Seifer's point of view. And Seifer is finally out of Time Compression (which I know it seemed like he was last chapter, but I wanted to give him and Squall a place to sort some stuff out without anything else really interfering). Okay, so shit is going to kind of hit the fan in the next chapter, though I'm still trying to figure out exactly where I want to take this fic plot wise.

Thanks once again to all of my lovely reviewers and to my readers in general. I hope this chapter lived up to any expectations you might have had. Critiques are always welcome. Oh, and congratulations to Ice for getting the Dexter reference from last chapter (I love that show!)

BOX OF RAIN LYRICS

Look out of any window  
any morning, any evening, any day  
Maybe the sun is shining  
birds are winging or  
rain is falling from a heavy sky -  
What do you want me to do,  
to do for you to see you through?  
this is all a dream we dreamed  
one afternoon long ago  
Walk out of any doorway  
feel your way, feel your way  
like the day before  
Maybe you'll find direction  
around some corner  
where it's been waiting to meet you -  
What do you want me to do,  
to watch for you while you're sleeping?  
Well please don't be surprised  
when you find me dreaming too

Look into any eyes  
you find by you, you can see  
clear through to another day  
I know it's been seen before  
through other eyes on other days  
while going home --  
What do you want me to do,  
to do for you to see you through?  
It's all a dream we dreamed  
one afternoon long ago

Walk into splintered sunlight  
Inch your way through dead dreams  
to another land  
Maybe you're tired and broken  
Your tongue is twisted  
with words half spoken  
and thoughts unclear  
What do you want me to do  
to do for you to see you through  
A a box of rain will ease the pain  
and love will see you through

Just a box of rain -  
wind and water -  
Believe it if you need it,  
if you don't just pass it on  
Sun and shower -  
Wind and rain -  
in and out the window  
like a moth before a flame

It's just a box of rain  
I don't know who put it there  
Believe it if you need it  
or leave it if you dare  
But it's just a box of rain  
or a ribbon for your hair  
Such a long long time to be gone  
and a short time to be there


	5. Trouble

**Summary:** There is a fine line between dreams and reality, between coincidence and fate, between character building and soul destroying, between love and hate. Seifer's life is defined by fine lines. As he passes from memory to memory through the insanity of Time Compression, maybe he'll come a little closer to understanding why. Eventual Seifer/Squall. SLASH

**A/N:** The chapter title is taken from Trouble, the Cat Stevens cover (not sure who it was by originally). Lyrics are at the very bottom for those interested.

*** I have significantly altered a portion of this chapter. If you read it before Feb. 1st, you'll want to scroll down and read the revisions made, which will be within the *REVISION* and */REVISION* tags. It is only one part that has changed. If you are reading this chapter for the first time, simply disregard. *  
**

* * *

_Breathing in the fresh, flower scented air made Seifer realize how much more real and alive he felt and how stale the air in Time Compression seemed in comparison. Consequences be damned, it was worth it just for this moment. He refused to relinquish Squall's hand as he lay down and watched the clouds drift slowly overhead. Seifer let his eyes close lazily, inhaling the sweet air deeply as a genuine smile graced his face. For one blissful moment he forgot his impending doom. For one blissful moment nothing mattered but the sun warming his face and Squall's hand held firmly in his own. For one blissful moment he was happy. _

**CHAPTER FIVE: TROUBLE**

Unfortunately, Seifer's moment did not last long. Reality came crashing down on him as he heard someone approach and felt a hand on his shoulder. He tensed, questioning his decision not to make a break for it, not to try to hide out for the rest of his life instead of letting himself be captured. For one panicked second he considered that this could be the end, that perhaps he wouldn't even get a trial or prison or anything and would simply be offed quietly amongst the flowers. He couldn't help but consider that perhaps it would be easier this way.

When nothing more transpired than a gentle shake, he opened his eyes in a flash, wondering what the hell was going on. His breath left him as he stared into the caring eyes of Edea, the woman he'd considered his true sorceress—no, this wasn't Sorceress Edea anymore, not really…taking in her long black dress, her hair worn loose, and none of the adornments that she had worn as a sorceress, Seifer realized that the was not his Sorceress, but Matron, the only mother he'd ever known.

Hearing the awed whisper of "Matron" beside him, Seifer knew that Squall had come to the same conclusion. Standing to greet her, noting that Squall was doing the same, Seifer felt at a loss for words. Although he'd been the one taking orders from her during the war, he felt like somehow it was all his fault. He felt like he'd let her down. He'd let himself down

The smile she sent them both was bittersweet as she looked the two of them over. "My boys," she exclaimed with a soft sigh, "Look at how far we've come…I'm so proud of the both of you." Her smile softened, becoming warmer as she leaned in to embrace them both in turn.

Seifer felt the guilt gnawing on his insides. "How can you possibly be _proud_ of me?" he whispered brokenly to her as her arms encompassed him. He didn't deserve her hug; he didn't deserve her love. He felt that he should push her away, but he didn't have the heart to do so.

She held him at arms length, looking him in the eye with a thoughtful expression before speaking into his mind like she had when he had been her knight. Oddly enough, he found it comforting. _You followed your dream, your heart, Seifer. But you were able to realize that it was no longer yours to command and in the end you fought her._

Seifer shook his head in denial. "I didn't…I couldn't…" he tried to explain desperately, but Matron merely smiled tenderly at him and caressed his cheek.

_You fought in the end, Seifer, whether you consciously realized it or not. You could have killed them all as easily as you took out Odin, but you didn't….and in the end, you stepped aside, _she thought at him, continuing her gentle, loving caress. "I am so very _proud_ of you," she reiterated. This time Seifer accepted her words without protest, considering her claims. It was true that he hadn't killed anyone from the 'Orphanage Gang,' for which he was thankful, but whether that was purposeful on his part or not he couldn't say, and he certainly wouldn't go so far as to be proud. But he knew better than to argue with her.

Squall watched the exchange with a look of perplexed concern. Seifer could only guess at what Squall thought of Matron claiming to be proud of him, and in fact doing so in a way as to suggest that she was just as proud of him as she was of Squall. Although Squall had proclaimed his forgiveness, Seifer was certain that the younger man could not fathom why anyone would be proud of Seifer's actions during the war (as Seifer himself could not either). For once, he was glad that Squall was the silent type; he really didn't need to hear his thoughts on this at the moment.

Seifer wanted to apologize to Matron, to tell her just how sorry he was at the way things had transpired, but looking at her smiling face, he realized that he had nothing to apologize for. She was happy with the way that things had turned out. He wasn't even sure exactly what he would have apologized for, failing to carry out her bidding when she was Edea or trying multiple times to kill the rest of her children.

"So, how long have we been gone and what have we missed?" he inquired, changing the subject abruptly and putting the issue of guilt to rest for the time being.

Matron smiled, a knowing look on her face. "You two are the last to make it back. It's been a week…Everyone else went back to Balamb," she informed them, staring inquisitively between the two. "Come, let's go inside. I'll make some lunch; you two must be hungry."

"Yeah, lunch sounds great," Seifer accepted gratefully. He hadn't realized until now just how hungry he actually was. He walked beside Matron as they made their way to the house. He spared Squall a glance, noting that the brunette appeared to be in deep thought as he trailed a pace behind.

They walked in silence until they neared the house, which was a lot worse for wear than it had been when Seifer had seen it in his childhood memories. "Hyne, this place looks like it's been abandoned for ages…What are you doing here?" he questioned Matron, just now noticing how strange it was for her to have stumbled upon them all the way out here just moments after their return, even if she was a Sorceress.

Leading the way to the kitchen, Matron busied herself with making sandwiches. "Well, I suppose I thought it important for someone to be here for you kids when you returned. I wanted to make sure all of you got back safely after everything that's happened…Being back here brings back so many fond memories. Selphie, Zell, and Quistis only remember a few bits and pieces; Irvine remembers more, but it's been a long time…" she trailed off, turning to gaze questioningly at Seifer and Squall in turn.

"I remember," Seifer supplied. Glancing sidelong at Squall he added, "We both remember…everything." He sat down upon a rot-iron stool, taking in the difference that a decade or so had made on his childhood home.

Matron smiled wistfully at this news. "I'm glad," she supplied. She turned back to the sandwiches before pausing and setting everything down. Her expression turned deathly serious as she seemed to contemplate something before giving Seifer and Squall her full attention. "It wasn't easy, you know, sending all of you off to become mercenaries. I wouldn't have done it if I had known of any other way for everything to turn out right in the end, but I just couldn't take that chance…" she spoke solemnly. She turned her gaze to Squall as she continued, "I knew when I saw you and Ultimecia all those years ago what I had to do, what you would have to do…I wish I could have helped you more, but fate had other plans for me. I'm sorry." Matron appeared to have let a great burden off her chest, but seemed apprehensive about Squall's response.

A thick silence hung in the air. Seifer found all of the new information a bit hard to digest. Why hadn't Squall told him about meeting Matron in time compression? Then again, it was Squall…king of brooding silences and dismissive one-liners. His gaze was fixed on Squall as the anticipatory silence lingered. A small part of him—miniscule mind you—couldn't help but feel somewhat resentful that fate had apparently orchestrated things so that Squall would be the hero, that it had always been planned that way and that he apparently had never had a chance. While Seifer didn't exactly believe in destiny, he couldn't help but be a little put off at the fact that he hadn't been chosen for the role instead.

Just as it was becoming uncomfortable to the point where Seifer was about to interrupt the moment himself, Squall finally answered. "I forgive you." It was as simple as that. Seifer found himself once again somewhat surprised by Squall's capacity to forgive, even if it was Matron.

Matron seemed extremely relieved, a lightness to her expression that Seifer hadn't even realized was missing now there in spades. The few worry lines she'd had now smoothed as she smiled and made her way around the kitchen counter to once again hug Squall to her. She whispered a few words into Squall's ear as she held him close, words which Seifer didn't catch, and he turned away, feeling almost as if he was intruding.

After a few seconds, knowing that Squall would be itching to be released by now, Seifer cut in. "So, about that lunch…"

Matron laughed lightly, loosening her grip around Squall and sending a knowing smile Seifer's way. "Don't worry, I won't torture you any more," she directed at Squall good-naturedly. "And lunch will be ready in just a minute," she added to Seifer, making her way back to the sandwich making station. "You always were impatient, weren't you?"

Seifer merely shrugged in response, not bothering to deny it. "My coping mechanism for that is smokes…Don't suppose you have any?" he dared to ask, knowing that as his mother figure she would likely disapprove.

"That's a filthy, harmful habit, you know," she chastised predictably, leveling Seifer with a stern look.

Seifer smirked. "Yes, well, I seem to recall a certain parental figure indulging in that 'filthy, harmful habit' when she thought none of us kids were around," he reminded her, chuckling lightly at the surprised look Matron wore.

"Perhaps it would have been better if you didn't remember _everything_," she declared in playful annoyance. "Besides, I was still quite young at the time and wasn't thinking of the consequences," she offered by way of explanation.

Seifer merely raised an eyebrow, silently questioning how that was meant to deter him. He was, after all, young and disregarding of consequences. "I suppose you don't smoke anymore, then, since you're not young and careless anymore? So, I guess there's no use in looking around for any cigarettes you might have stashed in the knife drawer…?" he trailed off, walking into the kitchen toward the drawer where the knives had always been held, the drawer that had always been off-limits.

Matron pursed her lips, frowning slightly. "Lunch is ready," she informed. Seifer wouldn't allow himself to be so easily distracted.

"Hmm...What do we have here?" he proclaimed in mock surprise as he examined the drawers contents, pulling a pack of Marlboro lights from the back. He snorted at the animated marlboro pictured on the front of the package, tentacles flailing about it merrily, and wondered if the artist had ever actually been faced with one in real life, as there was certainly nothing merry or amusing about them. This wasn't his brand, partly for that reason, but beggars can't be choosers.

Matron flushed slightly as Seifer held the pack up as evidence, smirking victoriously. "You can have one after lunch," she declared in exasperation, giving in to Seifer's demand now that she could no longer hold to her moral high ground.

* * *

** *REVISION*  
**

Lunch had gone by pretty quickly as Matron filled them both in on her dreams to renovate the orphanage and take in a new generation of orphans. Seifer had followed along, nodding and commenting when appropriate, though the conversation only served to remind him of all of the deaths he had caused and the children he had been responsible for orphaning. Matron tried to skirt around the issue of the war being the primary reason for the large increase in orphans, but Seifer hadn't been able to ignore that fact so easily. He'd been desperate for a cigarette by the time it was over and had been enormously relieved that he had already managed to convince Matron to let him have one of hers.

He and Matron were currently on the back porch, both enjoying a smoke as Squall took a short nap. Seifer was tired, but had too much on his mind to sleep. He sighed in contentment as smoke filled his lungs. Hyne it had been a fucking long ass time since he'd had a cigarette. He'd been desperately craving one for a while now.

Idly taking another drag, he wondered what his next course of action would be. Return to Balamb? He supposed it was as good a place as any to turn himself in, probably better than most, as at least there he would have a few people who might still care what happened to him. Perhaps Cid would even stand by him…Glancing at Matron, he wondered if Cid had gotten her off or if she was hiding out here. The topic hadn't come up yet.

"Have you been back to Balamb?" He had to ask, had to know. He tried to bring it up as casually as he could, but Matron stiffened and frowned nonetheless.

"Not yet…I wanted to make sure you kids got back safely first." Her gaze drifted unseeingly out to the ocean as she puffed away.

Seifer read between the lines. "Now that we're all back you're going to turn yourself in, aren't you?" It was really more of a statement than a question, but he needed to be certain.

"Yes," she replied simply, letting out a sigh. "Cid says I have a good case, but I'm not so sure…I have a feeling that the International Tribunal and InterSorB (1) will step in and that they won't agree with him."

Seifer nodded solemnly. "I wonder what Cid would say about my case," he pondered aloud. Although he wasn't glad that Matron would possibly be facing the IWCT and/or the ISB, it was a relief to know that he wouldn't be the only one. It only made sense, but he hadn't given it much thought up to now.

"If you decide to leave, I'll do what I can to help," Matron offered sincerely, a concerned look on her face as she gazed at Seifer intently.

He actually let himself contemplate the offer for a moment before resigning himself to his earlier decision. "I can't run from this forever," he stated with certainty.

"I wouldn't think any less of you if you tried," Matron assured him, worriedly.

"I know." He finished off his cigarette, grinding the butt into the ground before reaching for another. "I just don't want to live always having to look over my shoulder. In a way, I think it'll be a relief just to face it head on, whatever the consequences," he revealed, knowing that Matron would understand.

She studied him in silence for a moment as Seifer wondered what she hoped to find. "If you let it, the guilt will eat away at you until it drives you mad…At some point you're going to have to forgive yourself, Seifer," she imparted earnestly.

Seifer didn't respond. He simply couldn't look into her caring face and tell her the truth: that he deserved every bit of guilt that gnawed away at his conscious and most certainly didn't deserve forgiveness. He knew she was worried about what would happen to him, but whatever the consequences were, however bad they might be, he knew he deserved them.

He wondered if she only forgave him because she felt guilty for the part she had played in everything. For all her lecturing, he wondered if she had actually managed to follow her own advice and forgive herself. He had a feeling that her desire to reopen the orphanage, if she ever got the chance, was her way of trying to atone for her sins.

He wasn't sure how he could ever possibly atone for his own sins. He imagined joining Matron in reopening the orphanage, but the thought of him helping to raise the orphans he had created seemed utterly ridiculous. He remembered his own reason for being orphaned, and his heart constricted at the notion that he had served his parents' killer. This was why he couldn't sleep, all these horrible thoughts swirling through his head. Thinking of his parents only served to remind him of how disappointed they would probably be if they knew what he had become. Although he knew little about them, he was certain that they would have little to be proud of. Hyne, he was almost glad they were dead so they didn't have to witness how far he'd fallen.

Still, he wished he could have known them, or that he at least knew more about them…And then he remembered the letter. The letter that his aunt had left with Edea when she'd dropped him off. He now knew for a fact that he had never received it. Why hadn't Matron given it to him?

Coming out of his stupor, Seifer glanced at Matron as she puffed away while watching the waves roll in. "I remember being dropped off here by Delmira. She was my aunt, wasn't she?" he remarked, taking a drag off his cigarette and trying to remain calm.

Matron appeared slightly flustered at the topic, but nodded. "Yes…You were only three when she brought you here, though. How can you possibly remember that?"

Seifer sighed. "Time Compression works in mysterious ways, Matron. The point is that I remember her…and the letter she left with you," he said pointedly, staring at her intently. He watched as she seemed to deflate, before turning contemplatively to the horizon.

"Yes, the letter…I understand if you're upset, Seifer, but I have my reasons for keeping it from you." She turned, meeting his gaze and seeming to will him to believe her.

Seifer wasn't sure what reason she could have for doing such a thing, but could see in her eyes that she was sincere. "I know she told you to give it to me at your own discretion, Matron, but I want to see it. The war's over now…and I need to know what it says."

Matron hesitated before answering. "I can't do that, Seifer, not yet," she stated apologetically.

Seifer was certain she had kept the letter from him because of the war, and now that it was over he could see no reason for her to refuse. "It's _my_ letter; you have no right to keep it from me." He was both pissed off and incredibly frustrated.

Matron seemed torn, but remained adamant in her decision. "You'll get it soon; I promise." She took a long drag off her cigarette and seemed to calm significantly, though she appeared deep in thought. "You've got to trust me, Seifer. I have my reasons. You'll find out soon enough what they are."

** */REVISION*  
**

* * *

Seifer wasn't sure how to feel as the Ragnorak came down for a landing in a grassy field southeast of the orphanage. He wondered how the rest of the 'Orphanage Gang' would react to seeing him, as he was fairly certain that everyone's favorite heroes would be on board. He didn't have to wonder for long.

It was like some sort of fucked up family reunion as Selphie and Zell bounded over with Quistis and Irvine following at a more sedate pace. Rinoa trailed somewhat uncertainly behind the rest. Cid, Xu, and a few of the Garden faculty in their elaborate get ups remained close to the spaceship. Cid's expression was torn, alternating between stern and devastated. Seifer couldn't help but wonder what Matron's expression was in return, though he refused to look, his eyes remaining resolutely ahead.

Selphie sent a cheerful smile toward him and Squall, seemingly oblivious to the mounting tension. "I'm so glad you guys made it back okay!" she declared happily, bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet. She turned to regard Matron and then Seifer, her smile now looking horribly forced to Seifer's trained eye. "Everything will work out just fine, you'll see!"

Seifer couldn't blame her for trying, though he doubted that even the ever optimistic Selphie believed that. He was shocked that she was even making an attempt to cheer him up after he'd bombed Trobia. He supposed it might have something to do with Matron standing beside him, but he wasn't sure. He resolved to apologize to her in private as soon as he got the chance.

Seifer tried to ignore everyone around him as he waited to be read his rights and the charges against him. As much as he didn't want to, he couldn't help but notice the apprehensive and slightly confused looks sent his way. He couldn't blame them. He wondered what they thought of all of this, if they actually believed that he was turning himself. Matron had explained that they were both turning themselves in willingly when she'd contacted Cid, but he wondered whether the rest had been informed of that fact.

It was Xu who eventually stepped forward to do the honors. She wore a mask of professionalism, but Seifer knew that she was getting vindictive pleasure out of this. Her eyes caught his, a spark of the disdain she had always held for him plus a newfound intense hatred blazing in them. Seifer narrowed his eyes, but managed to refrain himself, not wanting to cause a scene and make things worse. "Seifer Almasy, you are under arrest for the charges of desertion, failure to obey regulations, escape from custody, unlawful detention of…" (2)

Seifer zoned out as the charges continued to be listed, already knowing that he was fairly fucked…and they hadn't even gotten to the 'good' stuff yet. He was sure to be handed over to the IWCT before Balamb actually had the chance to prosecute him, but whatever happened, he was certain that at least jail time—if not execution—were in store. What the hell had he been thinking? The simple answer, of course, was that he hadn't been. While the punishment for the charges would be less severe than they would have had he been an actual SeeD, he knew that they would still be pretty hefty. Right now, though, he was more concerned about the International Courts and his prospects there.

He tuned back in as the litany of charges ended and he was checked for weapons and GFs (coming up clean as he had already handed everything off to Squall earlier), before being handcuffed. It was Zell who had gotten to do that honor and Seifer didn't doubt that it was the highlight of the chicken's week, if not more; he could just imagine the smug look on his tattooed face. Xu was listing off Edea's reasons for being held in Balamb Garden's custody by now, but Seifer managed to block out the particular infractions as he kept his eyes glued to Squall.

The Commander held his face rigidly, a blank mask perfectly in place, though Seifer could see in his eyes that he was both frustrated and upset. He had only managed to meet Squall's gaze for a second before the brunette had turned away, refusing to look his way again. He wondered how much of the emotion Squall refused to display was for him.

Seifer frowned as Matron was cuffed as well, the special magic-inhibiting metal distinguishable by its alternating colors as the cuffs shifted and the light danced across them. Matching ankle cuffs and a collar were added for good measure. Seifer hated seeing his Sorceress, his Matron, like this. He wasn't the only one. Even Xu looked like she regretted having to take such precautions.

Seifer was thankful for the silence that descended as he and Matron were escorted onto the Ragnorak, even if it was incredibly awkward and tense. He simply couldn't deal with their questions, accusations, pain, or worst of all their possible forgiveness right now. Seifer had always dealt with things with harsh words or mocking ridicule, while Squall had always preferred silence; in this moment Seifer finally understood how comforting silence could be. He didn't have the energy to keep up his persona right now, nor did he want to, and he was thankful that no one pressed him to try. Even Zell managed to restrain himself. The whole thing was odd and Seifer knew that he should be questioning it, but he was too grateful for it at the moment to bother.

* * *

Being stuck in the brig was worse than being in Time Compression. Seifer hadn't thought such a thing could be possible. All of his worst memories and biggest regrets kept playing out in his head over and over again. There was little to distract him aside from the three rather bland meals he received a day. Even sleep failed to provide him some peace, as he was plagued by constant nightmares. Maybe if he had some sort of distraction…someone to talk to, a book even, but in the highest security cell he wasn't even allowed that.

He had been locked in this eight-foot by eight-foot concrete hellhole for almost _two weeks_ now and it was quickly driving him insane. Although he'd never been claustrophobic, Seifer had never enjoyed being confined in small places. Add in the fact that he constantly forced to think about all the things he would rather forget and that he had no idea when he would next see the light of day and it left him nearly pulling his hair out in frustrated agitation.

He had questioned his reasons for turning himself in to the point that he was sure he must be repeating them in his sleep, and although he still knew that it had been the right thing to do, he now hated himself for this decision. Why couldn't he have simply run when he'd had the chance? He could have learned to live with himself, to live with the guilt and the constant anxiety of being hunted. It couldn't be any worse than this. But it was far too late _now_…

He was becoming increasingly paranoid as well. Any hope he'd had of receiving a fair trial and possibly getting out one day had slowly ebbed away. By day six he had decided that they were out to get him. They were watching him through the camera he knew was mounted in the ceiling and bidding their time to release a deadly gas into the cell. They would watch him with sadistic glee from the video room as he gasped his last breath before keeling over. He knew logically that this was unlikely, but these thoughts were actually somewhat more pleasant than reveling in his guilty conscious, so he'd spent the next day and a half thinking up possible scenarios for how they would kill him and who would be responsible. It was sort of like a demented game of Clue, only the deaths were often far more complicated and gruesome.

By day three he found himself speaking aloud, mumbling, humming, anything to drown out the constant electric buzz of the single florescent light bulb embedded in the ceiling. If his thoughts weren't driving him insane, then it was that damned light bulb and its incessant note that never changed. They were purposefully driving him mad; there was simply no other way to explain it.

He wondered why Cid was doing this to him—not that he didn't deserve it, but the man didn't seem the type to purposefully do this to someone he had helped raised. Then again, perhaps Cid was helping him work on an insanity plea. Yes, that must be it.

He knew it was crazy, but quite frankly he failed to see how that mattered anymore. He wished that he was able to hold out better, but even with all of the training he'd had in what to do if captured it was no use. Sure, he'd spent three days in a mock enemy encampment as a 'prisoner of war,' but that paled in comparison. Perhaps a year ago he would have been ashamed of himself, but he just couldn't find it within himself to fucking care.

* * *

It was a little over three weeks into his solitary confinement before something altered his now well-established routine. He got his first and only visitor.

Seifer heard the approaching footsteps and had known right away that something was up. The only time anyone had approached his cell was to bring him the meager portion of slop they had the audacity to call food, and he knew it wasn't mealtime for another three hours or so. He wasn't sure whether to be excited or apprehensive, so he settled for a mixture of both. Thoughts of escape flooded his mind, as he recalled the multiple scenarios he had come up with, listening intently to the steady beat of footsteps as he gauged the situation.

Seifer's heart pounded frantically in his chest, adrenaline coursing through him as the door opened fully for the first time in twenty-three days, before leaping into his chest and then stopping completely. He had been expecting a guard or a lawyer, perhaps even the Headmaster himself. In all reality he had figured that it was finally time to be moved to await the International Tribunal he was sure was in store for him. Really, the last person he had been expecting was Squall Leonhart.

Seifer wondered for a few silent moments if the brunette was real or if he'd finally completely lost it. He was so starved for human interaction that he truly wouldn't have been surprised if his brain had finally cracked and started making things up. Perhaps he was schizophrenic. Whatever the case, he wasn't about to complain. Real or not, this was already the most interesting thing that had happened to him in weeks. Somehow, though, he didn't think he was imagining this.

The brunette stood before him, stoic and silent as per usual as he took in Seifer's appearance. Although he'd been given a cloth to wipe himself off with once a week, it was a horribly inadequate substitute for a shower. Seifer was sure that he smelled, that the room smelled, and that he was a greasy, disgusting mess right now. He also knew that it was a ridiculous thing to be worried about in the current situation, but he would readily admit that he had always been rather vain.

Seifer stood tall as Squall looked him over, not wanting his rival's pity. "Take a picture; it'll last longer," Seifer quipped halfheartedly, drawing Squall's attention away from his scrutiny.

Squall ignored Seifer's attempt to inject a bit of normalcy into the conversation and got straight to the point. "The International War Crimes Tribunal is going to try you. You're moving to the Lunar Cry Maximum Security Prison in Esther tomorrow morning. The trial is set to start a week from then." Squall's face was devoid of emotion as he informed Seifer of the situation, except for a slight frown.

Seifer sat down on the small mat that served as a bed, digesting the information. "I can't say I'm surprised," he intoned, leaning back against the wall and watching Squall closely. "Anything else?" he questioned, knowing that there must be some other reason for Squall to be here. Someone else could have informed Seifer of the trial just as easily as Squall, so why had he come?

Squall hesitated. "Edea's at the Sorceress Memorial, she's in a cryogenic chamber for now. The ISB claimed jurisdiction; her trial will follow yours…Cid's decided to step down. Xu's taking his place as Admiral and Headmaster by the end of the month," he informed Seifer bluntly.

Seifer wasn't really taken by surprise by any of this, but it was still a bit of a shock. Even if he managed to escape the IWCT unscathed, he would then have Xu to contend with. _Great_. In theory, who the headmaster was shouldn't affect the punishment he received, but he wasn't naïve enough to actually believe that. He knew that in practice it didn't quite work out that way. _Why couldn't Cid have waited just a couple more months to retire…?_

Actually, Cid probably hadn't had much of a choice in the matter. Even though Garden had basically been his idea in the first place, it didn't look good for him to be married to one of the sorceresses that had wrecked havoc on the world and was currently awaiting trial. And Xu was the obvious choice for a successor, much as Seifer loathed her. He would worry about her when the time came, _if_ the time came, and until then…it didn't really matter.

He turned back to Squall, who had remained quiet as Seifer contemplated the news. "You still the Commander?" Squall nodded in affirmation. It didn't really make much of a difference, but he was curious and wanted to prolong the conversation as long as possible. "How about the rest of the gang?"

"Quistis was made Vice Admiral. Irvine was made SeeD. He, Selphie, and Zell are assigned to Trabia right now working on the restoration efforts."

Seifer cringed slightly at the mention of Trabia. He still hadn't gotten a chance to apologize for that. "And Rinoa?" He found it somewhat odd that Squall hadn't mentioned her.

"She's in Timber," he said simply.

"Trouble in Paradise?" Seifer just couldn't help himself. He knew that things being what they were at the moment it was unlikely that he and Squall would get to pursue whatever-the-hell it was between them. And it wasn't that he didn't want Squall to be happy, but he had never been good at sharing.

Squall looked genuinely confused. "She wanted to reconnect with the Timber Owls. Besides, she doesn't really fit in at Garden," he added almost as an afterthought.

Despite his happiness that Squall and Rinoa didn't appear to be all lovey-dovey like he'd been afraid that they'd be (as against Squall's nature as that was), Seifer found himself concerned. "Rinoa's a new Sorceress and you're her Knight. What are you doing letting her run off to Timber while you're stuck here?"

Squall seemed even more confused and annoyed now. "She's got magic inhibitors on. What business is it of yours anyway?"

Seifer blanched at the notion that Squall had willingly let his Sorceress wear magic inhibitors and then go gallivanting off to another continent. As good a SeeD and Commander as Squall was, he simply wasn't cut out to be a Sorceress' Knight. Seifer stood, raising himself to his full 6'2" as he tried to get his point across to Squall. "Look, it may have turned out that my Sorceress was a crazed bitch trying to take over the world, but I do know a thing or two about being a Knight! You can't just let her run off without you, especially with those _things_ on…" he trailed off, raking a hand through his hair in frustration and pacing the short length of his cell out of habit. "I can't say that I'm upset you and Rinoa aren't parading around in romantic bliss, but that doesn't mean you can just abandon her!"

Squall shot him an incredulous look. "Is that what you thought?!" he seemed almost disgusted. Seifer stopped pacing as he gave Squall his full attention, curious. "Rinoa and I were never _together_, she's my half-sister! And I haven't abandoned her!" Squall shouted out in indignation.

"Oh." Seifer couldn't think of any more appropriate response. He officially felt like an idiot. Although he knew he wasn't the only one who had made the assumption that Squall and Rinoa were lovers. "When the hell did you find that out? And how?"

Squall sighed and rolled his eyes. "During the war; it's a long story."

Seifer glared at him. "And…?" he prompted.

Squall glared right back, but complied. "And we found out that Rinoa's mother had an affair with my father before he met my mother. We didn't know for sure that we were related until Dr. K ran the blood tests when we got back to Balamb."

"Wait, you found out who your father is? And that Rinoa is your Hyne damned sister?! And you didn't think any of this important enough to mention?! How the hell did you find all this out? Is he still alive? Did you meet him?" Seifer knew he was rambling somewhat, but it was all such a shock. Sure, he hadn't bothered to explain what he'd found out about his own parents to Squall, but they'd been dead and buried for a long time now.

Squall seemed like he was having a hard time dealing with it all, as he clenched his jaw before letting out a weary sigh. Seifer figured that's why Squall hadn't mentioned any of this until prodded. "Do you remember Sis?"

Seifer found this an odd way of answering his questions, but Squall wasn't one to beat around the bush, so he figured he must have a point in bringing this up. "Yeah…"

"Well, she has the ability to project people into the past. I kept having these dreams that I was this guy Laguna, only they weren't dreams, they were memories and the others were there too, only they were either Ward or Kiros." Squall grimaced, seeming to know that he was doing a horrible job at explaining things. Seifer nodded in encouragement, though he didn't really have a clue what the hell Squall was talking about. "Anyway, we saw Laguna with both Julia, Rinoa's mother, and Raine, my mother. We kind of figured it out…"

"Laguna, huh? Laguna, Raine, and Squall…" Seifer chuckled slightly despite the seriousness of the situation. "Were your parents fucking hippies or something, Squall?" He ignored Squall's death glare as he continued to laugh.

"Actually, Laguna was in the Galbadian Army and is the current President of Esther…though he does seem to be a bit of a hippy," he conceded with a grimace.

Seifer stopped laughing abruptly. "So, what your telling me is that your dad is not only alive, but is the current President of the country I'm being extradited to tomorrow?" Seifer questioned, hardly daring to believe it. Squall just nodded in reply. "And you weren't going to tell me this?" he asked rhetorically, slapping Squall lightly upside the head. For the first time in the past couple weeks, Seifer felt just a little hopeful at his prospects in the Tribunal. "Well, then, things are looking up, Squally-boy," he informed him with a smile, throwing his arm across Squall's shoulders in a friendly gesture.

Squall wrinkled his nose in displeasure. "You reek," he stated simply. Seifer didn't think he'd ever seen the brunette look prissier.

He couldn't help but laugh. Hyne he'd missed Squall.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

(1) These are short for the International War Crimes Tribunal (IWCT) and the International Sorcery Bureau (ISB). Further details on both of these organizations will be given in later chapters.

(2) Quite frankly, I have little to no idea how this would work in real life, so I sort of winged it and tried to make it seem semi-believable (I figure I have some leeway considering it's fanfiction and that it takes place in a make believe world). If any of you have a better idea how these things work and think that the way I've written it seems off, please let me know.

Okay, first off, there are a lot of ups and downs in this chapter. I hope it doesn't seem too bipolar. Not really any Seifer/Squall action, but they got the issue of Rinoa out of the way at least. I just felt that they had bigger things to deal with, plus Matron kind of got in the way at the beginning of the chapter. I might have added a little something at the end, but Seifer was all gross from being in solitary. Not very sexy in my humble opinion.

Once again, thanks goes out to all of you wonderful reviewers and to everyone who has added this story to alerts, favs, etc.

Next chapter: Excerpts from the trial. I'm not even going to try to go through the whole thing, cause that would be way too long and drawn out. I plan on giving you guys the verdict at the very end, but no promises. And don't worry, Laguna won't be able to pull a fast one, but he might be able to pull a few strings.

TROUBLE LYRICS (CAT STEVENS COVER)

Trouble, oh trouble  
Set me free  
Well, I have seen your face  
And it's too much, too much for me

Trouble, oh trouble  
Can't you see  
You're eating my heart away  
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine  
You have made your world mine  
So won't you be fair?  
So won't you be fair?

I don't want no more of you  
So won't you be kind to me?  
Just let me go where  
I'll have to go there

Trouble, oh trouble  
Move away  
I have seen your face  
And it's too much for me today

Trouble, oh trouble  
Can't you see  
You have made me a wreck  
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes  
And I can see death's disguise  
Hanging on me  
Hanging on me

I'm beat, I'm torn  
Shattered and tossed and worn  
Too shocking to see  
Too shocking to see

Trouble, oh trouble  
Move from me  
I have paid my debt  
Now won't you leave me in my misery?

Trouble, oh trouble  
Please be kind  
I don't want no fight  
And I haven't got a lot of time


	6. Hang On

**Summary:** There is a fine line between dreams and reality, between coincidence and fate, between character building and soul destroying, between love and hate. Seifer's life is defined by fine lines. As he passes from memory to memory through the insanity of Time Compression, maybe he'll come a little closer to understanding why. Eventual Seifer/Squall. SLASH

**A/N:** The chapter title is taken from the song Hang On, by Seether. Lyrics are at the very bottom as usual.

*** IMPORTANT! – If you read the last chapter (ch. 5) before Feb. 1****st****, you'll want to go back and read the changes I made to one of the sections. The scene from last chapter between Matron and Seifer when they were smoking on the back porch was changed significantly. You can go back and read the author's notes at the top, which will point you to the section you should reread. I highly suggest you reread it, but if you don't want to have to go back, the gist of the changes are that Seifer asks Matron about the letter his aunt gave her and wants to see it and she refuses. She tells him she can't give it to him yet and that she has her reasons, which will be made clear soon. ***

**

* * *

**

_For the first time in the past couple weeks, Seifer felt just a little hopeful at his prospects in the Tribunal. "Well, then, things are looking up, Squally-boy," he informed him with a smile, throwing his arm across Squall's shoulders in a friendly gesture. _

_Squall wrinkled his nose in displeasure. "You reek," he stated simply. Seifer didn't think he'd ever seen the brunette look prissier. _

_He couldn't help but laugh. Hyne he'd missed Squall._

**CHAPTER SIX: HANG ON**

To say that Seifer was not looking forward to the next few hours would be a vast understatement. He was in fact practically dreading entering the courtroom and being faced with the facts of the countless atrocities he had committed, not to mention the peanut gallery which would undoubtedly be filled with reporters and angry citizens alike. His stomach was in knots and his throat felt dry.

He could quite honestly say he had never been more nervous in his life. He had taken the SeeD exam three times, but that paled in comparison. It was uncharacteristic for him to be nervous; he was Seifer Fucking Almasy and was the first to admit that he had always been a cocky, self-assured son-of-a-bitch. He'd never really had any need to be nervous before. Now, though, was a different story. Whatever happened in this courtroom would determine the fate of the rest of his life, if they even deemed him worthy of living. So, yeah, he was nervous. Actually, he wasn't entirely sure nervous was the right word. Apprehensive. Anxious. Distressed. They all boiled down to the same basic thing: he _really _did not want to walk into that courtroom.

Unfortunately, he didn't have a choice. He was dressed in a nice suit, a far cry from the trench coat he had worn during the war, an incongruous set of cuffs linking his wrists in front of him. The suit, of course, had been his lawyer's idea. After all, it wouldn't do for him to walk in looking every bit the Sorceress's Knight that he had been during the war. He had to show that he could fit in appropriately with normal society, show that he was properly cowed and regretful of his actions. He was, but it wasn't enough just to say that, he had to show it through the way he dressed, the way he sat, the way he answered the questions. He'd been coached through his testimony and every other aspect of his court appearance ad nauseum by his lawyer, Jenka Lovell (who was apparently the best money could buy, though she had taken his case pro bono). He knew that such things mattered, but he still felt that it was all bullshit to some extent. There were more important things than knowing exactly where to place his hands or when to pause and for how long.

He hadn't spoken to Squall or any of the others since he had been transferred to Esther. He'd had this image in his mind of him and Squall having some sort of heart to heart where he explained all of his actions to the brunette, who would finally understand just what Seifer had been thinking and accept him for who he was and truly forgive him for what he'd done…Unfortunately, he hadn't seen Squall since he'd told Seifer that he was to be transferred. The two chats they'd had since the war ended had been good and had cleared the air a lot, but there was still a lot that had gone unsaid. Seifer still hadn't fully explained the reasons why he'd done everything the way he had, in fact, they both seemed to have been purposefully avoiding discussing it.

Seifer wished now that he'd had the chance to talk everything over with Squall before he had to tell a courtroom full of people; he had gone over everything with his lawyer a hundred times over, but it wasn't the same. He supposed it didn't really matter whether he got the chance to explain one-on-one as long as Squall was there to hear what he had to say. Besides, it wasn't as if the brunette had given him a chance to explain before the trial started. Lovell had told him that he wouldn't be testifying till much later in the trial, but he likely wouldn't get to see Squall even if the brunette did try to visit, considering that Squall was also testifying.

Looking out to the gathered crowd sitting in the almost auditorium like courtroom as he was lead in, Seifer easily spotted Squall sitting in the front row, presumably afforded the honor due to his part in the war. Seifer managed to catch his eye, giving him a slight nod; Squall held the eye contact, an inscrutable expression on his face, though he didn't nod back. The rest of the Orphanage Gang and Rinoa were sitting beside him, but Seifer purposefully ignored their stares. It wasn't that he didn't want them there; he simply couldn't face them right now.

Not that he really wanted to face any of the rest of it right now either—especially not the upcoming trial and the things that would be dredged up. For the moment he tired to clear his mind and calm himself, much the same way he did before he went into battle. That was something that he was used to, something he could wrap his mind around, so he focused on that and tried to ignore the stares and resist sneering, knowing that his lawyer's preparation would have been for nothing if he gave into the temptation.

Many of these people hated him, detested him with every fiber of their beings, even if they knew next to nothing about him. It was kind of funny how much they despised him, considering the hero worship and adoration they so clearly held for Squall. He couldn't help but wonder what everyone would think if they knew the truth about his and Squall's relationship. If only they knew that he had practically mentored Squall, taught him everything he knew—if he did say so himself—that they had grown up together and had been best friends at one point. Perhaps they would hate him even more for betraying a friend, but he doubted they knew the first thing about what had actually happened. There had been a lot of rumors flying around about the big, bad Sorceress's Knight, but he doubted many of these cretins out for his blood actually knew much first hand.

Sure, he had made a lot of mistakes and gotten caught up in the moment and had been deceived and manipulated by Ultimecia. Sure, he felt guilty about the way things had turned out and some of the things he had done and some of the people he had hurt. That, however, didn't mean he should have to answer to the mob demanding his head. But, once again, he was left with little choice in the matter. Soon, his face would be broadcast before millions of people and they would all judge him for his crimes regardless of the fact that only the panel of five judges before him had any real say in his fate.

The whole thing was a bloody circus, but he supposed that was no surprise. They had learned about the tribunals that had taken place after the First Sorceress War at Balamb-G what seemed a lifetime ago, and they had been much the same. Seifer didn't really mind a circus, so long as he got to be the ringleader, though he seriously doubted he'd be granted that wish. _Oh well, the show must go on._

"All rise for the honorable Judge…" he tuned out the introductions as he obediently followed the court's instructions, humming a circus tune under his breath as he steeled himself for what was to come.

* * *

Sitting through all of the testimony against him was like some sort of secret Estherian torture tactic. Even having committed all of the acts they were talking about and having relived almost each and every moment of the war at least once in his confinement, not to mention going over many of the events in detail with his lawyer over and over again, it was still horrifying to hear. The girl who had recounted the attack on Trabia had probably been the worst, though there were a lot of morbid highlights to choose from. Seifer was simply glad that he hadn't been facing the crowd when everything was recounted in every tear jerking detail. He could practically feel Selphie's sorrowful gaze burning into him as it was. Even knowing that many of the acts would likely be deemed legitimate acts of war and that he would get to recount his side of the story was little consolation.

When it came time for Squall to testify, Seifer had been sitting on the edge of his seat, every nerve on end. Hearing Squall's account of events was odd…His take on things differed markedly from Seifer's own at certain key points. When he described Seifer taking the President hostage it sounded like he blamed Seifer for sabotaging the mission—which was of course ridiculous—though it was somewhat hard to decipher what exactly Squall had thought at the time since the particulars of the SeeD mission had to be kept under wraps for 'security purposes.' Really, Garden just didn't want the fact that they had sent three green SeeDs off to assassinate the President of a foreign country to get out. Even saving Gaia from Ultimicia wouldn't make that political nightmare go away.

Although Squall was straightforward and even attempted to defend some of Seifer's actions, his testimony overall was rather damning. His report of the torture he had undergone, though vague and filled with claims that he didn't remember a lot of the time spent at D-District, was especially damaging. Squall purposefully avoided looking at Seifer as he recounted it; secretly Seifer was glad for that because he didn't think he could handle the accusing look that Squall would surely aim at him.

He knew that moment had perhaps been his weakest. When he'd broken down and tortured Squall for information, that was the moment when he had really cracked under the strain of Ultimecia's constant prodding and manipulations, the moment when he had given into her machinations and the pressure to live up to his oath as her Knight. He couldn't help but feel ashamed of it. The sound of Squall's tortured screams and the image of him convulsing in pain with every shock that raked his body would forever be burned into Seifer's mind.

The rest of the testimony had gone as well as could be expected. Edea, though not present, had testified for him before being cryogenically frozen to await her own trial, and a videotape of her statement had been played in court. While she outlined the kind of psychological control Ultimecia had had over both herself and Seifer and the fact that Seifer had not willingly joined Ultimecia, but had intended to be Edea's Knight, it was difficult to know how the testimony from what was essentially a 'coconspirator' would be received.

The lawyer, Lovell, had told him that Edea's testimony should help his case, but not to get his hopes up. She had made sure to drill in the importance of his own testimony, claiming that it was what would essentially make or break his chances of ever being a free man again, despite everything else that had been heard. He had dreaded testifying since the moment he had realized he would have to, knowing all too well that his past attempts to explain any questionable behavior on his part had always ended badly. He wasn't counting on this time being any better, even with all the preparation. On top of that, there were a lot of things that he'd done that even he wasn't sure should simply be written off as simple acts of war or as manipulation on Ultimecia's part. Even now he honestly couldn't say where his reasons ended and her subtle manipulations began.

It seemed all too soon that the moment was upon him. Finally called to the stand, he made his way over to the clerk that would swear him in feeling like he was walking to his execution. If this went badly, he would likely be doing just that before long.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Hyne?" The clerk swearing Seifer in seemed wary of him, like she expected him to suddenly pull a gunblade out of his ass and go on a killing spree. He sent her a small smirk, carefully making sure that only she would notice it, which made her flinch back a little and eye him nervously. He simply couldn't resist teasing her just a bit, and it helped calm his nerves. _Honestly, what kind of horror stories have they been spreading?_

Raising his thumb and the first two fingers of his right hand in the standard oath taking gesture—something made difficult by the cuffs around his wrists—Seifer offered up the words the court wanted to hear, "Upon my honor and before Hyne and this court, I do." He didn't really know why they had bothered with the cuffs; he could have had them loose in eight seconds flat without batting an eye, and that was on a bad day. He supposed that the whole point of them was to set everyone's mind at ease (after all, the general public tended to overlook the fact that as a trained SeeD candidate he was well versed in the art of escape) and not for any real security purpose. No, that's what the various officers carrying weapons stationed around the courtroom were for. Not that he had any intention of escaping. He had, after all, turned himself over in the first place.

Taking a seat in front of the microphone facing the courtroom at large, Seifer took a deep, calming breath as he folded his hands in his lap. Lovell would be questioning him first. They had already gone over this exact testimony a hundred times; it was when the cross-examination began that he would truly have cause to sweat.

"We have already heard testimony that you were not acting under the direction of any government agency or military force when you took former President Vinzer Deling hostage. Is this correct?" She was referring to Cid's statement, which of course had left out the part about Squall, Selphie, and Zell actually being under Cid's orders to kidnap Deling.

"Yes, though I prefer the term Dictator." Really, he couldn't help himself. Lovell had told him not to give in to any petty remarks, but he doubted he had lost any love with this crowd for the remark. Vinzer Deling hadn't exactly been a well liked man in most parts of the world.

"So, is it safe to assume that you chose to hold Deling at knifepoint of your own free will?" Lovell continued, without acknowledging his slight barb. It seemed redundant, but Lovell had claimed that such questions were necessary.

"Yes," Seifer responded concisely. He left out the fact that he would do it again if he had to, knowing it wouldn't help his case.

"Were you also acting of your own free will when you joined the Sorceress Edea directly following that act?" Lovell questioned evenly.

"Yes, I was acting of my own free will when I _thought _I was joining Edea," Seifer answered with the well practiced words.

"Are you implying that you did not in actuality join Sorceress Edea at that time?" Lovell did an admirable job of feigning slight shock at his answer. If Seifer hadn't gone through this with her so many times, he might have actually believed it.

"Edea was possessed by Sorceress Ultimecia at the time, so it was actually Ultimecia that I joined, though I didn't know that back then." It was the truth and one of the essential points of his defense.

"How did you know that Sorceress Edea was possessed by Sorceress Ultimecia and when did you find out about it?" Lovell pressed.

"I thought I was Edea's Knight; I thought that day when I followed her, when I pledged to serve her, that I was becoming _her_ Knight. When Edea was beaten in battle and Ultimecia left her for a new host, though, I found out that I hadn't actually bound myself to Edea. That's when I discovered that I had actually pledged to serve Ultimecia through Edea." It was difficult admitting that, especially aloud. Looking back he could see how stupid he had been to believe that Matron could have gone that long without a Knight. He had been somewhat desperate at the time and that had made him vulnerable. And, as they said, hindsight was 20-20.

"Why did you join Sorceress Edea? Why did you become her Knight?" Even having known the question was coming and what his answer was to be, Seifer felt himself grow tense.

"When she came to me that day—after I had taken Deling hostage—she spoke to me, reminded me of things. She offered to protect me if I promised to serve as her Knight. At the time it seemed like a good idea. I just thought that I would be helping to protect her, you know, like in those old movies from before the First Sorceress War where they show the Knight saving his Sorceress from an angry dragon and such." He was rambling, getting off of the practiced script, and he knew it, but he couldn't help himself.

Lovell narrowed her eyes almost imperceptibly, the only sign that she was growing slightly anxious, before attempting to steer him back on track. "When you say she spoke to you, do you mean aloud?"

Shaking himself slightly, Seifer tried to get his head back in the game. "No…as a sorceress Edea has telepathic abilities. She said certain things aloud, but most of it she said so only I could hear it."

"And what did she say to you specifically? What things did she remind you of?" Lovell pressed on, trying to get him back to the script, trying to get him to say the specific things that the judges needed to hear.

"She told me that I was in trouble, but that she could help me. She said she would take care of me like she had when I was little and then she…I don't know exactly what she did, but she showed me memories of when I was a kid. She ran an orphanage and I was one of the kids that she raised there; we used to call her Matron. She told me that if I joined her that we could liberate Timber together; she said that she was already working on overthrowing Deling from the inside and that she wanted to fix the corruption within the Galbadian government." That wasn't what Lovell had wanted him to say; it wasn't what they had practiced, but it was the truth. He needed Squall to know this, and damn the consequences.

Lovell stared at him, surely wondering what the hell he was doing and if he had a death wish. She recovered quickly, though. "So, she said that was her plan. You knew nothing of Ultimecia's plan to resurrect Adel or cause another Lunar Cry or to instigate Time Compression at the time then?"

"No. I didn't even know who Ultimecia was then," Seifer reminded.

"And would you have joined Edea-Ultimecia at that time if you had known what was really going on and what her plans really were?" Lovell asked. She was back on the script now, but Seifer could tell that she was concerned how his earlier comment regarding liberating Timber would affect things, though he doubted anyone else could see that.

"No, I would not have," Seifer stated firmly and with conviction. He wasn't sure that was entirely true, though. After all, in the end the world had been saved and everything had turned out all right. Could the same have been said if he hadn't played the part that he had? Edea had told him and testified that he had resisted in the end…He still wasn't sure he entirely believed her, but if it was true, then what could have happened if someone else had been the Knight, someone who didn't have a reason to hold back?

Seifer pushed those thoughts aside—thoughts he had had many times in the last couple months—and schooled his features into the appropriately contrite mask that Lovell had made him perfect. The first part of the cross-examination was next and the last thing he needed was to become distracted at this crucial time.

"Thank you, Mr. Almasy. That is all for now. Your witness," Lovell stated, giving Seifer a meaningful look before turning and retaking her seat as the head Prosecutor, a Mr. Duncan Duvall, approached the witness stand.

His gaze was calculating as he gazed steadily at Seifer, seemingly not intimidated in the least. "So, Mr. Almasy, you testified that Sorceress Edea told you that she planned to overthrow the Galbadian government. You stated that she told you this while you had the late President Vinzer Deling of Galbadia held at the tip of your gunblade. Is this correct?"

"Yes," Seifer responded simply, wondering how exactly Duvall planned to spin this.

"So, when you agreed to join Sorceress Edea mere moments later, did you do so because you wanted to help her overthrow the Galbadian government?" Duvall questioned with a raised eyebrow, almost daring him to deny it.

"Yes, I suppose so," Seifer agreed placidly, not really knowing what else to say.

"When you held Vinzer Deling hostage, was that also in an attempt to overthrow the Galbadian government?" Duvall continued almost eagerly.

Seifer's gaze fell on Lovell, who he could tell was not at all pleased, but this was his trial, not hers. "You could say that."

"Well, Mr. Almasy, this court is not interested in what I have to say on the matter, but what you would say on it. So, in terms of yes and no, was holding President Vinzer Deling at knifepoint on national television an attempt to overthrow him and the Galbadian government of that time?" Duvall grilled him somewhat harshly. If he was trying to be intimidating, he would have to do a lot better than that.

Seifer gaze didn't falter as he held the gray haired man's stare, unperturbed. "Yes."

Duvall seemed pleased with this confession. "So, when you joined Sorceress Edea, you didn't do it out of some noble aim to protect her, but to further your own aim of destroying the Galbadian government. Isn't that true?"

"No, I did not want to destroy the Galbadian government, though I will admit that I was aiming to help reform it by getting Deling out of office and free Timber from occupation," Seifer conceded, wondering how this would go over.

"Well, you certainly got Deling out of office and made sure that he would never be able to take office again. What exactly did you plan to do with Deling if Sorceress Edea hadn't shown up when she did?" Duvall prodded.

"Well, I certainly didn't plan to kill him and had no part in that. As for what I planned to do with Deling…You seem to be under the mistaken impression that it was my idea to kidnap Deling. It wasn't. Regardless, once I'd taken him hostage I planned on negotiating a deal with him and then releasing him," Seifer stated easily. If trying to save the day after Cid sent a team on what was essentially a suicide mission was going to come back to bite him in the ass, then Seifer was going to do all he could to drag Cid down with him, as petty as that might be.

"So, you planned to make a deal and then simply release him? I find that very hard to believe, Mr. Almasy. And as to the whole thing not being your plan in the first place, you have already testified that your aim was to overthrow the Galbadian government and that you were not acting under the direction of any government or military agency. Aside from all that, if you already knew what you were going to do with Deling, why did you join the Sorceress?" Duvall posited, clearly assuming he had caught Seifer in at least one lie.

Seifer almost smirked, eager to prove the old man wrong. "First off, I did plan to release Deling, as the last thing I wanted was an international incident. As the whole thing was being taped at the time, I certainly had no intention of killing him and I knew that any promises he made, even if under duress, would likely result in consequences if he did not abide by them. Secondly, although _I_ was not acting under the direct orders of any military or government agency, that does not mean that there weren't others who were. When I said that it wasn't my plan, I was referring to the fact that there were people acting on orders to kidnap Deling and liberate Timber already and that I was merely aiding them in this mission," Seifer informed, hoping that Duvall would take the bait.

He wasn't disappointed. "What exactly was this mission, who was on it, and under whose orders was it carried out?"

Seifer schooled his features into a serious look, fighting hard to keep a satisfied smirk off his face. "I can't answer that question. Under Code 6 of the International Military Security and Regulations Act I am afforded the right to refrain from answering any questions that would be in direct violation of my oath to withhold any information pertaining to classified military operations. Unless, the court has ordered the release of all information regarding this particular incidence, I am unable to answer."

Duvall seemed thrown by this, though extremely interested. Lovell too seemed curious. Though she had gone over this with Seifer, she hadn't expected this to come out in court. "So, you're saying that either the Balamb government or Balamb Garden authorized a mission involving kidnapping the President of a foreign nation that they were not currently at war with?" He seemed both shocked and confused.

Seifer stared him straight in the eye. "If that was the case, I would be duty bound to keep such a thing secret," Seifer answered carefully, knowing he was treading on thin ice. So far, he hadn't explicitly said anything that Garden could prosecute him for.

Duvall seemed both shocked and appalled, and at a bit of a loss. "Your Honor, this is the first time that the Prosecution has been made aware of this so called mission and would like a few days to ascertain whether or not these allegations are true. We would also like to request the release of these files at this time."

The head judge paused a moment in thought. "Since these files are highly classified and the information they contain extremely sensitive, it is the courts decision that such a file, if it indeed exists, will be handed over to this court by Balamb Garden within 24 hours. The court will review all documents received and will determine whether they are relevant to the trial before proceeding. You may continue your questioning, Mr. Duvall, and will retain the right to recall this witness as it pertains to this particular issue at a later date." Seifer wasn't really sure how this would affect things, but he figured stirring things up a little couldn't hurt.

Duvall took a moment to collect himself before continuing. "So, moving on to the issue of torture…We have heard testimony that you were effectively in charge of D-District Prison during the time that Commander Squall Leonhart and company were held captive there. Is this true?"

Shit. This wasn't exactly the topic that Seifer wanted to move on to, but he knew it would have to be addressed eventually. "Yes."

"We have also heard testimony that you engaged in torture, specifically the torture of Commander Squall Leonhart by means of electrocution. Is this also true?" Duvall continued, getting back into stride.

Seifer purposefully looked anywhere but at where he knew Squall was sitting. "…Yes."

"Were you ordered or in any way coerced into torturing Commander Leonhart?" Duvall demanded.

Seifer hesitated, not exactly knowing how to answer that. "I…Well, it's complicated. I was ordered to find out information about SeeD. There was no specific order to use torture, but…You see, the thing about Sorceress's is that they have this power over their knights; she had full access to my mind. She could manipulate me in subtle ways, take away any inhibitions I had, and use my own ambitions to make me see what she wanted me to see—what I wanted to see… I mean, I did it and it was my idea, but I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for her and I'm sorry it ever happened." He was rambling again and he needed to get himself back under control and remember his lines. He had prepared for this, but it was different when he was faced with a courtroom full of people...a courtroom that had Squall in it.

"Being 'sorry' is all well and good, Mr. Almasy, but it doesn't change the fact that you violated International Anti-Torture Statutes," Duvall announced coldly.

"Objection, Your Honor," Lovell cut in heatedly.

"Sustained. Court will now be called into recess and will reconvene in one hour to conclude Mr. Almasy's testimony." With a bang of her gavel, the head judge gave him some much needed respite. As he was lead out a side door of the courtroom to eat his meager meal in the cell-like room, he ventured a glance toward where Squall was sitting, but the brunette was already gone.

* * *

This was it, the moment of truth, the pivotal moment that would decide the rest of his life. Although tense, Seifer actually felt remarkably calm considering. He had, in a way, come to terms with everything and with this verdict would perhaps be free of the guilt that still hung over him like a dark cloud. Although he wasn't looking forward to prison, or being executed, or whatever his sentence was to be, it would almost be a relief just to have this over and done with. At least, that's what he kept telling himself.

As the Head Judge began listing off the things he'd been charged with, he felt his stomach twist into knots. Steeling himself, he awaited the verdict, certain execution was to be his fate.

"Seifer Almasy is hearby found Guilty of violating Section 3 of the International Anti-Torture Statute for the torture by electrocution of Commander Squall Leonhart. The verdict on all other counts aforementioned is Not Guilty. The punishment for his crime is a sentence of no less than five years and no more than ten years in a federal prison in the country where the offence occurred. Since Galbadia has only one federal prison, it is determined that the sentence shall be carried out in D-District Prison."

Seifer was sure he looked utterly ridiculous, but at the moment he was too stunned to give a shit. Honestly, he was kind of expecting the serious expression on the judge's face to suddenly give way with an exclamation of 'Gotcha!' He really didn't know whether he should be trying to wake himself up from a dream or laughing hysterically. Quite frankly, he was too shocked to do either at the moment. Ten years _at the most_?! It was utterly insane.

The crowd seemed to think so too, as all hell seemed to be breaking out around the courtroom with the announcement of the verdict. So many angry cries were being voiced, that he couldn't distinguish one from another even if he cared too. Seifer was vaguely aware of his lawyer Lovell's congratulations from beside him. The sound of a gavel banging insistently from the front of the room was nearly drowned out by the cacophony and it was a few minutes before the courtroom was called into order again.

"Silence! This is a courtroom, not a sporting event, and the next person to interrupt me will be fined for contempt! Now, back to the matter at hand…I understand that there are many present and many more watching the televised proceedings that will not agree with this court's ruling. While we find many of Mr. Almasy's actions morally reprehensible, it is this court's findings that the only crime Mr. Almasy is culpable of under the law is the violation of internationally recognized laws regarding torture. While the issue of manipulation and a question of true compliance regarding this crime were raised, the court found the evidence insufficient to prove that Mr. Almasy was not in full and conscious control of his actions at the time.

"Mr. Almasy's other actions during the war were deemed either within the scope of expected wartime acts or were determined to be carried out due to manipulation, whether mental or physical, or in good faith. Once again, I remind you all that this court's ruling is final and beyond reproach. Court is adjourned." With a final thunk of the gavel, everyone began talking and moving about the courtroom once more as the judges gracefully exited to angry cries. Seifer hardly noticed any of this as he was escorted out of the courtroom by two armed guards. With good behavior, he could be a free man in five years…Which left him with only one question for the time being: _What the hell am I supposed to do with my life now?_

Though a bit overwhelming, it was a welcome thought. And he would have the next five years to ponder it and, hopefully, come up with an answer.

TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Finally, another update! Sorry it took so long, but I had a bit of trouble with this chapter. I hope it turned out all right and isn't too boring with all of its recounting of events from the game. I hope I was able to give a bit of a different take on things. Please let me know if you found anything unsatisfactory; I always welcome advice on how I can improve a story.

Anyway, what did you all think about the verdict? Shocking? Satisfactory? Displeasing? I hope no one's too upset that Seifer's going to prison. I simply couldn't let him get off completely scot-free, but I didn't want him to be too old when he got out.

As always, thanks for all of the positive feedback and encouragement and simply for reading.

Next Chapter: Okay, so here's what I've got planned for the next chapter, though this could change, so don't hold me to it. First off, Laguna did help with Seifer's defense, but you're not actually going to get to see how until next time. And Seifer's finally going to get to read the letter from his parents and find out more about them. You'll also get to see what happened with Garden after what was revealed at trial. And there's going to be a bit of a time lapse. Since Seifer is going to be in jail for five years, I'm simply going to very quickly give an account of what's going on during that time and some important evens, then jump ahead to his release. I have a scene where he meets back up with Squall written out for the most part already, and a dream sequence, though I don't know how much I'll get to include next chapter and how much I'll have to save for later. Also, you get to find out how Edea's trial goes and perhaps find out a bit about what the rest of the gang has been up to.

**HANG ON by SEETHER**

Well now I found myself  
Wish I was someone else  
My hands are stained with love  
Wish I could take it away  
I hid behind the shell  
In time the pain will melt  
My heart is stained with love  
Wish I could fake it

I gave my life away  
There's nothing left to say  
I gave my life away  
You take it in your way

You take it in your way

My selfish enemy  
Still has the best of me  
Empty and feeling numb  
Wish I could take it away  
I can't control the need  
Too weak to not concede  
Wish I was deaf and dumb  
Wish I could fake it

I gave my life away  
There's nothing left to say  
I gave my life away  
You take it in your way

I gave my life away  
There's nothing left to say  
I gave my life away  
You take it in your way

I can't pretend we're the same  
I can't pretend we're the same  
I can't pretend we're the same

Oh now I found myself  
Wish I was someone else  
My hands are stained with love  
Wish I could FAKE

I gave my life away  
There's nothing left to say  
I gave my life away  
You take it in your way

I gave my life away  
There's nothing left to say  
I gave my life away  
You take it in your way

You take it in your way _[4x]_


End file.
